Holiday wrong time to meet beau’s ex

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and last month we decided to move in together. He was married before, has two children, and they share equal custody of the kids. I see the kids every other week, and we get along great, but I haven’t met his ex. According to my boyfriend, his parents invite her to all their family’s get-togethers and it appears this Christmas is no different. This makes me uncomfortable. Meeting her for the first time at his parents’ home with everyone staring just seems wrong. It is wrong — not necessarily that the ex is invited, that’s the grandparents’ prerogative. What’s wrong is you haven’t met the ex and the invitation is being left to a major holiday. That puts unnecessary pressure on everyone. Many feel that out of respect for the new union, the former partner should not be invited to special occasions, and when they are, they take it personally. According to exetiquette, the ex shouldn’t be invited to every family get-together. With a major holiday or milestone, like a graduation, expect them to be there. Translated into your situation — you’re the newbie, the ex has been invited since the kids were born, possibly prior, and it appears your partner’s parents expect you to get with the program. Should you? In my opinion, absolutely. No one says you have to be buddies with anyone, but you moved in with a guy with children with a long history of celebrating with extended family. You should have anticipated this. The one I fault with bad ex-etiquette is your boyfriend. He should have orchestrated a meeting months ago. It would make it a lot easier if he set something up so you could meet his ex before Christmas. Casual coffee, something easy. If he does not, the big question is, should you go? If you feel too uncomfortable this time, say so. But it’s your choice. Don’t make your boyfriend choose. That couldaffect your relationship and your relationships with his parents, not to mention upset the kids Finally, if you’re secretly hoping the in-laws will invite only you and slowly phase out their relationship with the ex, don’t hold your breath. It sounds as if they think of her as their grandchildren’s mother and not their son’s ex — and that means she’s going to be around. Happy Holidays!