Honey, we need to talk

A man in Rhos, North Wales, was recently diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, which prevents male sufferers from fathering children. But he had been married for more than 20 years and his then-wife gave birth to a son and a set of twins during that time. Turns out, the wife had been tripping the light fantastic with some other guy every once in a while in the late 1990s. He divorced her 12 years ago and is now trying to get back the child support he had paid her. SO IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN ME, OFFICER … A man was arrested for burglary in St. George, Utah, after some stolen items with his fingerprints on them were found in his possession. He explained to officers that he is innocent because he was high on methamphetamine when the crime was committed, and he typically does burglaries only when he’s high on heroin. I KNOW HOW THIS MUST LOOK, YOUR HONOR … A woman who showed up in a Minerva, Ohio, court to face drug charges carried a backpack containing meth, ecstasy, marijuana, 11 blue pills stamped R3060, and 11 white oval-shaped gabapentin pills. SOMETIMES DREAMS DO COME TRUE, SIR … YOU’RE UNDER ARREST … A man who led cops on a high-speed chase across three counties in Southwest Virginia said it was “his lifelong dream to run from the police.” WHAM! OUCH!, SORRY, MY MISTAKE … A mugger jumped a 68-year-old man coming out of a Mexican restaurant in West Palm Beach, Fla., but the old guy turned out to be a retired, five-time, world champion kickboxer. After the mugger sneaked up and hit him in the back of the head with a bottle, “I hit him … in the left rib cage area and he just folded up and dropped.” HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS US!? … Four teenagers broke into a car dealership in Harris County, Texas, and started crashing cars into other cars on the lot, wrecking a Dodge Challenger Scat Pack, a Corvette Z06, a Ford Mustang and a Porsche Boxster. Apparently, the lads were unaware that such businesses are equipped with surveillance cameras, which is how they came to be arrested. WHO ARE YOU, MA’AM, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE? … A man got so drunk that he went into the wrong house in Waukesha, Wis., and fell asleep in the living room on the dog bed, next to the owner’s 150-pound Mastiff. The woman who lives there found him the next morning and called the cops. But he was “cooperative and apologetic,” so they let him go. SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO GO … A man took off all his clothes and drove at least 10 miles the wrong way on Interstate 95 from Delaware to Philadelphia International Airport, where authorities deployed spike strips to flatten his tires. Authorities are trying to determine why he did this. ADRENALINE RUSHIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS!! … A man who was pulled over by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Manitoba for speeding offered the excuse that he’d been listening to Motley Crue‘s “Kickstart My Heart” on the radio, and he got swept up in the pulsepounding music.