Boston Herald

Valentine’s Day not time to apologize to ex

- By JANN BLACKSTONE

My ex and I had a lovely life together, but I got bored, met someone new and left. We had two kids, and although I somewhat regret my actions, I think I’d do it again. Of course I’m not with the other guy, and after intense amounts of therapy, I own that it was my fault and I’m wondering if Valentine’s Day is the day to talk to my ex about what I’ve learned and offer him an apology. What’s good ex-etiquette?

I’ve read countless articles by other profession­als and laypeople touting the positives of using Valentine’s Day as a vehicle to right one’s wrongs. A kind of, “Hey, ex, I really screwed up, and on this day of all days, I would like to offer an apology.” I don’t get the correlatio­n. Valentine’s Day is for lovers, not exlovers.

If an apology is required, why wait for a day associated with romance to do it? The most opportune time to offer an apology? Immediatel­y. But you also have to come to grips with why you are apologizin­g and if it is really what is required for both you and your ex to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the sentimenta­lity associated with reconcilin­g your difference­s with an ex and coming out friends on the other side. Breakups and the issues that lead to them are jam-packed with hurt, anger and sadness, and navigating through that to once again be cordial, especially if there are children involved, is a huge accomplish­ment. When my ex finally apologized, there was a shift in our ability to problem-solve. An apology can really affect how your ex responds and can set the stage for far more fruitful negotiatio­ns.

There is a fine art to offering an apology — and to accepting one. The key is to acknowledg­e you’re wrong without qualifying your behavior. “I’m sorry I hurt you” accepts responsibi­lity for your actions and is a far more effective apology than “I’m sorry you feel I hurt you.” “Thank you” or “I forgive you” is a far more gracious way to accept an apology than “I’m glad you finally see the error of your ways.”

But, your question was if Valentine’s Day is a good day to share your feelings. It is not. I don’t think any holiday should be the catalyst for an apology to an ex, particular­ly Valentine’s Day, and even more so if your ex has a new partner. You want the apology to be the main focus. Rather than concentrat­e on the day you are offering the apology, make the apology as heartfelt as possible — and do it soon. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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