Boston Herald

Should grounded teen be allowed to visit dad?

- By JANN BLACKSTONE

My daughter is grounded for a month because of her lying and missing schoolwork. Should she be able to go to her biological father’s house over the weekend? He only sees her every few months and he is what I call a Disneyland Dad.

When a parent feels it is appropriat­e to “ground” a child from their other parent, that’s a huge red flag. You ground children from video games or going out with friends. You ground children from watching their favorite TV show. You don’t ground children from time with their other parent, “Disneyland” or not. It’s an indicator the parents don’t communicat­e, and a “Boss” power structure has been created.

I’m going to offer you another way to look at all this. It may not pertain exactly to your situation, but I would like to use your question as food for thought to other parents.

If a parenting plan designates every other weekend to a parent, how are they to be anything other than Disneyland? A child gets bored sitting around, especially teens, and if there’s nothing to do, you hear the dreaded, “I don’t want to go, it’s boring.” So, the everyother-weekend-parent figures out something to do when they see their child. “Let’s go to the movies, or paint balling, or water skiing,” or if you can afford it, “Disneyland!” The other parent resents it — it’s not real life. But, I’ve seen more times than I can mention those same parents labeled as “Disneyland” petition the courts for additional time with their children and the other parent refuses. “You’re only around every other weekend, if that. What do you know?” It’s a Catch-22.

From a practical standpoint, it’s difficult to ground a child and expect the other parent to support your rules if you have not been co-parenting all along.

Good ex-etiquette for this situation would be to make sure you are setting the stage for good co-parenting and not automatica­lly writing the father off because of past interactio­ns. Does he know your daughter is lying and not doing her work? If he’s a “Disneyland Dad,” that implies he just pops in and out. Does he understand what led up to the grounding? If he doesn’t respond, that’s on him — your daughter will eventually see it — but don’t you be the reason behind him not playing a more active role.

Finally, when children go back and forth between their parents’ homes, it requires more creative disciplina­ry tactics. Grounding for a month may be impractica­l in the environmen­t that has been created. Consider grounding her for shorter periods of time, but with more extreme measures. No phone usually hits home — but again, never ground children from talking to their other parent — and the other side of that coin is never undermine the other parent if they are reaching out to you for help with your child. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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