Daughter is getting spoiled at ex’s house

I’m a single dad with a 9-yearold daughter who’s with me half the time. Before the divorce, she was a sweet kid and a pleasure to be around. But lately she’s become a terror, throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants — and I think it’s because her mother is spoiling her. How do I deal with her? And what can I say to her mom to get this behavior to stop?

As you well know, divorce is tough on everyone involved: you, your ex and your daughter. And among the many problems divorce creates, one of the most common is children being spoiled by “the other” parent. Here’s what to do:

When your daughter says something like, “But Mommy lets me do that!” it’s important to restrain yourself from criticizing your ex in front of your daughter. The best you can do right now is remind her that in Mom’s house, Mom sets the rules. In your house, you do. End of discussion.

Set up a time to talk with your ex about what’s going on. Make sure the conversation itself stays as low-key and lowvolume as possible. Ask whether your ex is seeing the same things at her house. If so, you’re instant allies. If not, ask for her support in helping your daughter understand the different-houses-different-rules thing.

Just because your daughter saysthathermomletsherget away with something or that she buys her cool stuff doesn’t mean that’s what’s actually happening. In ordinary circumstances, children are quite adept at playing mom and dad off each other. But children in divorced families are absolute masters. You also need to consider that although she’s only 9, your daughter is quickly lurching toward the teen years and her ornery behavior may be a preview of coming attractions. It’s also possible that your daughter is angry and trying to punish you for what she sees as you having ruined her life. Hey, no one said this was going to be easy.

Regardless of whether your daughter is lying through her braces or telling the truth about what goes on at Mom’s house, don’t give in. Instead of trying to sooth her with cash, gifts or expensive treats, offer something a lot more valuable: time. Take her to the park, to a movie, to an arcade or read bedtime stories to each other — things that truly matter. At the end of the day, the parent who tries to buy a child’s love by spending money always loses, while the one who spends quality time wins.