Imagining what candidates might say in private
The Democratic race for the presidency is getting knock-down, drag-out dirty and heading for a mean brawl. Here’s how I imagine the candidates mixing it up out of camera view.
Pete Buttigieg: Hey Joe, I thought your ad belittling my work as South Bend mayor and comparing my pet chip licensing regulations to the Iran nuclear deal was a cheap shot.
Joe Biden: Look pony soldier, the point is I was doing real work for the nation and the world before you were out of diapers.
Buttigieg: And that’s the problem. People want and deserve new, fresh ideas not the same old same old stale ones that don’t work. I think you call it “malarkey.”
Amy Klobuchar: Go back and watch “Rick and Morty,” Pete. As I said at the last debate, we can’t afford to have an inexperienced commander in chief — look at where that has got us.
President Trump: (Tweeting in from his overflow rally in Manchester): You losers can’t even get Iowa straight, how you gonna manage a whole country?? FAIL!
Tom Steyer: Lemme at ’em! Like I said: “I will kick his ass.”
Elizabeth Warren: I think we are getting too hung up on yesterday’s news. We need to keep moving and I am the only one who has really has the best plan for that.
Bernie Sanders: If you did, you’d think you’d be farther ahead by now.
Warren: By the way Bernie — I let you skate last time, but call me a liar again — directly or indirectly — and I will personally wash your mouth out with soap.
Buttigieg: Liar, liar, pants on fire. With all due respect, all of you are yesterday’s news. I represent the future.
Sanders: Wow, that must be why I’m winning. My army of young people are leaving your troops in the dust, kid. After I finish with you in New Hampshire, you’ll be running home to your mama.
Buttigieg: Bernie, Joe, I’m getting tired of you two old coots ganging up on me like geriatric bullies in the schoolyard. It looks bad for the country.
Biden: Listen to me, Pete, Bernie. The reality is that you two are going to lose the race for us. The inexperience, the tagging yourself as a Democratic Socialist — Trump is already having a field day with that.
Klobuchar: You need to snap out of it, guys. You are starting to look bad for the party, and that ain’t good!
Warren: You know, Amy, come to think of it, we really don’t know much about you, since you’ve been at low numbers in the polls. I think the American people need to know more about your plans.
Meanwhile, from the outside looking in:
Mike Bloomberg : Hey Deval, ever seen anything like this? The Dems are killing each other and Trump IS getting away with murder!
Deval Patrick: We need to turn to each other and not on each other, that’s just what Trump wants.
Steyer: By the way Mike, there’s only room in this race for one billionaire and I’m “It.”
Bloomberg: Check my new commercial and you’ll understand why I’m “It,” Tom, and judging from your poll numbers, it looks like your money can’t buy you love, my friend. I’m not even on the ballot in New Hampshire, but I got the first votes cast there.
Patrick: Speaking of exclusion, there is no room for an African American in this race either.
Andrew Yang: I’m proud to be the “people of color” standard bearer.
Patrick: Andy, I’d say from your poll numbers, I don’t think you’ll have any standing in this race at all very soon.
Yang: You got a nerve, you aren’t even on the polling radar.
Patrick: Well, I have a motto: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again — or aim for VP.