TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
Expert offers couples tips to stay sane with extra time together
The coronavirus is putting those “for better or worse” vows to the test for couples now sharing close quarters at home.
Dr. Monica O’Neal, local clinical psychologist and relationship expert who’ll also soon be appearing on the new Bravo TV series “Camp Getaway,” explained that people stuck at home with their significant others may start feeling the tension, but it doesn’t have to break their relationships.
“This has created a massive, collective shift in everyone’s identities,” O’Neal told the Track. “The idea that you can come out of this with your relationship being the same, I think that’s unrealistic.”
According to O’Neal, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought forced changes into our lives, undermined many of our foundational human needs, such as feeling physically and financially safe, and left us vulnerable. And while emotional shakiness can put stress on relationships, couples may actually have an upper hand in this situation.
“We never change from being little creatures that need to be loved and need that sense of security,” O’Neal said. “That’s one of the best things about relationships: You’re committed to taking care of one another and to being a support for one another.”
But for many couples who must now constantly share the same space, the idea of providing support for their partners might be easier said than done.
“You’ve lost your autonomy and you have to think about another person all the time,” O’Neal said. “You go from seeing your husband probably six to eight active hours a day and now you’re seeing him 16 to 18 hours. That’s a drastic change.”
“I think the No. 1 thing to do is to recognize what your method of coping is,” she added. “You need to be honest about it — not demand it, not criticize your partner for not giving it to you.”
Whether individuals need some quiet time to recharge or jokes to lighten the mood, they need to pinpoint how they decompress. By being honest and kindly asking that their coping preferences be respected, they can have a semblance of control in an otherwise uncontrollable circumstance.
“Sometimes what we try to do is create control,” O’Neal said. “If a partner is trying to completely control the environment, they might find themselves all of a sudden being extra critical of things that have always been the case.”
O’Neal explained that if a significant other typically leaves clothes around the house or dirty dishes in the sink, that tendency won’t magically disappear now that a couple is in confinement.
“You can’t expect anyone to be any different,” she said. “If you find yourself trying to control them or trying to change them, recognize that it’s maybe because you’re experiencing anxiety and you’re trying to take back control, which would be disruptive to your relationship.”
Instead, O’Neal encouraged pairs to use the Japanese principle of wabi-sabi to see the positive in their partners’ irritating imperfections.
O’Neal explained the concept with a story: “This woman used to be so annoyed because her husband would leave tea bags on the counter everyday. It would drive her crazy and they would get into arguments. Suddenly, there were no more tea bags because he had died, and she found herself upset and missing them.”
“These annoying things that your partner is doing, they are signs that they’re actually there and in this with you,” she said. “They can be reminders that they’re safe and well.”
To offset inevitable annoyances and ease domestic tension, people can also do little deeds in line with their significant others’ love languages — whether that be by making them breakfast or hugging them throughout the day.
“Even if you’re doing something that may be annoying, you can do 15 other things that make the other person feel safe, comfortable and respected,” O’Neal said. “You’ll come out ahead.”