Excuse me, sir, what have you got there?

A man wearing an ankle monitor because he was under house arrest for a drug charge walked into the Killeen, Texas, Police Department to file a report despite the fact that he had multiple illegal drugs on his person. An officer noticed a large bulging bag of marijuana hanging from his jean shorts. The cops searched him and also found methamphetamine, six multi-colored pills and $7,517 in cash.

LOOK OUT, LADIES, HERE WE COME: Two men stole $1,288.39 worth of anti-balding supplements, Nicorette Gum and vitamins from a Walmart in Burlington, Wisc.

THANKS FOR ASKING, BUT NO: A 54-year-old man in Greenwood, S.C., called the 911 police emergency several times, insulted the dispatcher and finally asked her if she would consider posing naked for photographs. She declined. He was arrested.

SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCT, MA’AM: After a woman in Ukraine told her boyfriend that she wanted to end their relationship, she agreed to his suggestion they be chained together for three months as a test of their love. Then, as soon as the chains were removed, they broke up. They said they couldn’t wait to go their separate ways.

JUST COULDN’T WAIT, COULD YOU? A 52-year-old man involved in a car crash in Sydney, Australia, had been banned from driving until 2062, when he turns 93.

YOU OK, MADAM? … OH MY! Rescue services sped to Hachinohe in northeastern Honshu, Japan, in response to reports of the body of a naked woman floating in the water. It turned out to be a rubber sex doll.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’VE BEEN DRINKING? Game wardens pulled over a drunk driver who cut them off near Lake Waco in Texas and then started to drive on the wrong side of the road. When they approached his pickup truck, he was having trouble turning down his music, and, as he fumbled with the radio, he handed one of them an open beer so he could concentrate. He then stumbled out of his vehicle and failed a field sobriety test.

MESS WITH ME, WILL YOU!?

A woman who discovered that her boyfriend was cheating on her while she was pregnant with their child got her revenge on the other woman. When the boyfriend went to jail, the other woman kept messaging to find out why he wasn’t talking to her. But instead of telling her the truth, “I messaged her and told her that he was dead.” She even conducted a fake funeral. Now, three years later, the other woman posts annual tributes to him on her Facebook page.

GREAT PLACE TO HAVE LUNCH: A 7-foot-long alligator was trapped and relocated to an alligator farm after it chased people through the parking lot of a Wendy’s in Lehigh Acres, Fla.

JUST GO HOME, LADY: Police responded to a report of a woman talking to herself and throwing ketchup packets at people outside a restaurant in Mayfield Heights, Ohio. They had her pick up the packets and sent her on her way.