When you don’t want to see ex’s new partner

My ex left me about a year and a half ago. I lost my job and that was it. We share our 6-year-old daughter equally. My ex now lives with a new guy. He came with her to the last exchange.

I told him not to come again and it blew up. I was yelling, my ex was yelling, and so was he. My daughter was crying. It was a mess. I don’t know why he has to come to the exchanges. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Truth is, he doesn’t have to go to the exchanges, and if your ex knew it was going to upset you, surprising you by bringing him along was hitting below the belt.

I have a different take on interacting with an ex’s new partner. Granted, I have seen court orders suggesting the new partner not accompany the parent on the exchange. But if you have broken up, chances are both you and your child’s parent will find someone new. It’s going to happen, so to be angry if the new guy shows up at exchanges seems a waste of time.

Your ex’s new partner lives with your child. This is a hard fact to swallow if he was the reason behind the breakup, but it’s still a fact. The courts will still require your child to go back and forth between homes. Based on that, I would want to meet the guy who lives with my child for half of her life. I’d also want him to meet me, understand why I have the rules I have at my home and hopefully learn to work together in the best interest of the child.

Sound impossible? It is if you stay stuck in your old relationship with your ex. That’s when you spend all your time thinking about what she did, how you hate her and how you will pay her back. And if she is also in that frame of mind, you will be in a vicious cycle of paybacks and manipulation.

Think about it like this: Every payback to your ex is a payback to your child. Studies show ongoing conflict after a breakup actually affects your child’s brain development. Mark my words, if you keep this up, sooner or later your daughter will suffer with anxiety and not want to visit — and it will not be because she doesn’t want to see you. She will simply be looking for a way to not see the two people she loves the most yelling at each other.

Have a discussion prior to the next exchange and make an agreement about how exchanges will be handled from now on. Try adjusting the pickup and drop-off to “to school, from school” so you don’t see each other for a while. Just don’t look for ways to keep the kettle boiling. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Column provided by Tribune News Services.