Dear Abby: Mom’s form of ‘help’ is to shame daughter

Dear Abby: I’m a woman in my mid-30s without much family. I’m an only child and have no relationship with my father. The relationship I have with my mother is very toxic.

I have suffered my entire life from a severe shopping addiction. I recently relapsed, and I’m trying to recover financially. I can’t afford counseling right now, and I can’t ask for help from my mother because of how horribly she shames me about my addiction. In fact, I have realized that having her in my life at all is a massive trigger because she constantly puts me down for not being financially stable as an adult. She also constantly compares me not only to herself when she was my age, but to others in my generation.

How can I tell her I no longer want her in my life for the sake of my mental health and addiction recovery?

— Pulling Back in Texas

Dear Pulling: I’m not sure if you are aware of it, but many people use shopping as a way of coping with depression. You may be one of them. Before taking on that difficult conversation, do some research and find out what county mental health services may be available in your area. They are usually offered on a sliding fee scale. There are also 12-step programs for compulsive shoppers that you might find helpful. Please go online and research some of them as well.

As to what to say to your mother, try this: “Mom, I know I need help for my shopping addiction. I am seeking it now. While I am in recovery, you won’t be hearing from me for a while, so don’t worry. We will talk eventually.”