There’s no winning when kids are in the middle
My ex left me for someone in his office. He has our children every other weekend and one night each week. I didn’t want the kids to meet his girlfriend right away so we have a clause in our agreement that prevents either of us from introducing the children to a new partner until we have been divorced for six months. We have only been divorced for one month.
Yesterday I was visiting a neighbor and she had my ex’s Christmas card on her table. There are pictures of him, our children and his girlfriend together during his summer camping vacation. Neither he nor the children told me she was there. I am so angry that he didn’t keep up his end of the deal. I want to file a complaint for contempt. Do you think I will win and if so, what can I win — can I take away some of his parenting time?
While I’m sure it came as a shock to see the photograph, before you run off and do something that will hurt your children even more — like trying to penalize them for an error in their father’s judgment — you need to think this through. There is no winning here.
It is unclear whether your divorce agreement was in place at the time of his summer vacation. If you were in the process of negotiating the agreement and it was not yet signed, he didn’t violate anything and your contempt will not only fall on deaf ears, but it will make you look vindictive. When you negotiated your agreement did you ask him if the children had already met her? If so and he lied about it, your anger is understandable. But if you never asked, that is another thing you need to consider before going on the offensive.
The more troubling piece to me, which it appears you are overlooking, is why didn’t your children tell you about her. Did your ex ask them to lie? Or did they have a sense telling you would hurt your feelings and they were trying to protect you? Either scenario is not good. You cannot put your children in the position of having to be the adults regardless of their ages. If he asked them to lie for him, that is a bigger conversation you need to have with him directly. Then the two of you need to have the conversation with your children that it is not OK for them to lie to either of you even if the other asks them to.
If that is not a conversation you can have together with your children, you should get professional help by way of a Parent Coordinator or family therapist rather than bring this matter before a judge. On these facts, no judge is going to take away his parenting time. Instead you would both likely be sent to some sort of parenting class to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills.