Grown children unhappy with dad’s new love

QMy wife of 38 years died five years ago after a very long bout with cancer. I have three married children. It was a happy marriage, and the kids miss their mother very much. I do, too, but after living with her cancer for five years, once she passed, I was ready to just have some fun. Two years ago, I finally met someone. I feel very fortunate to have had two great loves in my life and we are talking marriage. My kids are very upset. It’s causing me a lot of stress and I find myself avoiding them. What’s good ex-etiquette?

ASo many think, “Since my children are now adults, of course, they will understand.” But when it comes to moving on after a breakup or death of their other parent, adult children have an equally difficult time adjusting to someone new as a young child does.

If you appear happier than you have been in a long time, your children probably are afraid you are forgetting their mother. And if you are avoiding them, it may look to them like you are forgetting about them, too.

It’s quite common when you realize a beloved partner is terminal to begin the mourning process while they are still with us. I have been told that it is almost a relief when a partner no longer suffers, and wanting to make new friends and just get out there is understandable.

Children may not see it that way. They often begin their mourning once their parent passes. If you think about it like that, you are in two different time zones. When you want to talk to someone in a different time zone, you have to compensate in some way. You have to wake up earlier or stay up later, but my point is, both have to make concessions.

That means, make sure both of you are listening to each other and are sharing how you feel. And make sure your kids know no one can ever replace their mother, but you are grateful that you will not have to be alone.

Take a look at how you have integrated your new love. You may need to change your approach and let them get to know each other a little more before you talk marriage.

Finally, children may have a voice — that’s respect — but a voice is not a choice. That is up to you.