Bitter mom still nursing divorce grudge

DEAR ABBY >> My parents were married for 22 years. They separated in 2007, and by 2008 the divorce was final. While this was a good thing for both of them, the fallout from their marriage was intense. I won’t dig into the ugly details, but they both had their faults, and it was rough.

Since the divorce, Dad has moved on. Sadly, he lost his wife of 13 years suddenly several months ago. Mom still blames Dad for every bad thing that has happened to her since the divorce, even though she chose to quit her job and go on disability, which severely limited her income and options. When Dad’s wife died, Mom was almost happy. She said she knew that same grief because of what she went through with the divorce. (It’s NOT the same thing.)

I would like to invite Dad to holiday gatherings with the family this year, as he will be alone most of the time, but Mom refuses to come if he is there. How can I help her move on?

— Inclusive in Michigan

DEAR INCLUSIVE >> Remember the adage, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”? All these years, your mother has nursed her anger as though it was an infant. The only person who can help her “move on” is herself, which she is clearly unwilling to do.

Ask your father how he would feel about joining the family during the coming holidays. You may find that he would prefer to avoid her and socialize with friends he and his wife cultivated during their marriage. But please do not allow your mother to dictate whom you can or cannot entertain in your home. If she wishes to stay away, that will be her privilege and her punishment.