Hey, ‘Captain,’ perhaps you could land at table five

A man got very angry at his wife because she refused to introduce him to her friends as a pilot, which he is not. He is, in fact, a fast food restaurant manager, and has never flown a plane or had any flight training. But he feels that he deserves to be called a pilot, because he has read many flight-related textbooks and owns flight simulation equipment.

COMFY ARE WE, SIR?: Police found a man, who had broken into a woman’s home in South Williamson, Ky., hiding under a sheet in a back bedroom. He admitted to being high on drugs and said that he was just looking for a place to sleep.

BUT THE RELATIONSHIP SEEMS TO BE STRESSED: After a night of drinking with her boyfriend, a woman hit him in the back of the head with a chicken at their home in Eagle Lake, Minn. Police said he “still had some chicken residue in his hair” when they showed up to arrest her. She also assaulted him in December. They have been together for more than 10 years.

IT WAS JUST A CRAZY DAY, OFFICER: A homeless man forced his way into four different homes in Altoona and Logan Township, Pa., during which he broke down the door of an ex-girlfriend who wasn’t home, screamed “I’m Batman” at another woman, stole a man’s truck and drove it at 100 mph until he crashed, and, finally, terrorized another woman. He told arresting officers that he may have done meth or bath salts.

BUT I’M OK NOW, HONEST: A deputy, who pulled over a car in Rock Raids, Iowa, because of burnt-out brake light, said the driver had watery eyes and dilated pupils, exhibited odd speech, plus his hands were twitching. He eventually admitted to using meth a few hours earlier.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO FORGET: A 68-year-old man with 12 wives in the village of Bugisa, Uganda, has decided to stop having children because he is unable to provide for them all. He has 102 kids, ranging in age from 10 to 50, and 578 grandchildren. He married his first wife in 1972 when they were both about 17, and his youngest wife is about 35. He cannot remember the names of most of his children and some of his wives.

GREAT, PLENTY OF PARKING SPACES … GLUG, GLUG: A 91-yearold man mistook the pond at Big Spring Park in Huntsville, Ala., for a parking lot, and drove his car right into it.

OH HONEY, I’M HOME!: An angry husband, whose wife is divorcing him, smashed a dump truck through his neighbors’ yards and cars before repeatedly slamming it into his own Los Angeles home.

NO-ONE WAS THERE TO WAIT ON ME: A man broke into a gas station convenience store in Palm Coast, Fla., and took multiple items, but left behind his debit card. He told arresting officers that he left the card there on purpose so he could go back later and pay for the stuff he took.