Honest, officer, I’ve really learned my lesson this time

A heavily intoxicated man, whose driver’s license had been revoked after he was arrested for drunk driving nine times over the past 22 years, ran out of gas and pulled into a woman’s driveway in Branch County, Mich., where he passed out. Police said he was unsteady on his feet, almost unable to talk, and having a hard time answering simple questions. He has served five prison terms for drunken driving.

LIVIN’ THE DREAM: A man took a GMC Sierra from a dealership in Manahawkin, N.J., for a test but failed to bring it back. The cops arrested him at the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY: A Florida account manager stole more than $6 million and gave it to a “webcam performer” with an adult website for “sexual gratification and companionship,” because his marriage lacked romance. She told him that she was in love with him, “leading him to believe that they were in an actual relationship.”

I KNOW HOW THIS MUST LOOK, OFFICER: A man had secured himself to a power line tower in Plainfield Township, Pa., to steal copper wiring. When he cut a live wire, he was thrown 20 or 30 feet from his perch and was left hanging above the ground. After he was rescued, he told police that he had been deer spotting, but they didn’t buy it.

I THINK I DROPPED SOMETHING: Two men launched an unprovoked attack on two other men who were crossing a field in Immokalee, Fla., and heading home. The victims yelled for help, causing the attackers to flee, but one of them left behind his iPhone, leading to his arrest.

QUICK, CALL THE GOAT PATROL!: A herd of Kashmiri mountain goats invaded the town of Llandudno, Wales, during the COVID lockdown, and have taken over the place, snacking on people’s hedges, sleeping in bus shelters and even brawling in the supermarket car park. The animals have become such terrors that an entire task force has been created to deal with them.

YOU MOVE! NO, YOU MOVE!: Two people trying to parallel park into the same space at the same time in Singapore — a woman trying to back in and a man going in nose first — got into a standoff that caused a 20-minute traffic gridlock at Cheong Chin Nam Road as both of them refused to budge. The cops showed up and determined that the woman got there first and told the man to leave.

A WOMAN HAS NEEDS: A woman called emergency services in Belgium to track down the origins of a burning smell in her apartment. Turns out that it was caused by her vibrator that had accidentally been turned on.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY’S WATCHING: A woman rear-ended another vehicle in Madeira Beach, Fla., and tried to impress a sheriff’s deputy with pirouettes during a field sobriety test, using a yellow traffic line as a stage as she performed a one-woman dance show ranging from ballet to an Irish jig. The officer was not amused.