When child calls new partner ‘Mommy’

Q. My daughter and son really like their dad’s girlfriend. She lives with him and has two kids of her own. I am very grateful she is so good to my children. But, here’s the problem. It doesn’t happen all the time, but lately they have been calling her “Mommy” when I pick them up. Like, “Bye, Mommy! See you soon!” It really upsets me. I’m grateful she loves my kids, and I am doing my best to share them with her, but she’s not their mother and I don’t want to share the name. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. It is my experience that this can be an emotional issue, and I want to congratulate you in your ability to keep your head. You have admitted it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you prefer it doesn’t continue, and you are looking for solutions.

Many in your position take it all personally and are convinced the other person is doing their best to sabotage their mother/child bond. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the case. But more often it’s that the children feel comfortable in the living space and other children are calling her “Mommy,” so they adopt the name as a novelty.

Some specific things must be discussed prior to moving in with someone who has children. One is what the children will call you. Most professionals suggest the partner and children brainstorm a special name just for them, and that becomes the name the children use. That way there is no competition between parents and their ex’s new partner. I’ve interviewed children from all over the world and some of the choices have been quite amusing and even beautiful.

One bonusdad and bonusson I interviewed picked the name “Mr. Big.” Bonusdad was 6-foot-6 and towered over the little boy. That’s what came out when they joked around and that’s what they stuck with. It evolved into “Biggy,” then “Big.” And to this day, the 30-year-old adult child calls his bonusdad “Big.”