Honey, I just noticed that you need new wipers

A couple had a domestic dispute outside of a residence in Lauderhill, Fla., during which the man climbed up onto the hood of her Mercedes to keep her from departing. Despite this, she drove nearly 20 miles on the interstate, with him clinging to the hood, at speeds of up to 70 mph. At one point he called 911 on his cell phone, telling a police operator, “I’m on top of the car. I really need help.”

AND HOW DID THAT WORK OUT, MA’AM?: A woman told police that she had set fire to her apartment building in Sandy, Utah, because she wanted “to burn away the negative energy, sadness and pain in her life.”

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL, WHAT’S THE CATCH?: A woman rented a 2022 Toyota Camry in Humble, Texas, and tried to sell it online for $10,000.

BUT LADIES, I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL: A man had what police called an “entertaining” evening at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Fla., with two busty ladies, which ended when he took them back to his townhouse in Pompano Beach. There, the women stole his gun, some watches and a pair of sneakers when he wasn’t looking, and ran away.

THIS URINE WOULD GO GREAT WITH A SHOT OF J&B: A Florida woman was ordered to provide a urine sample to test for drugs which she knew she would not pass. So she submitted a concoction of soda and tap water from a prescription pill container which she had “in her possession.”

YOU MIGHT TRY THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS, SIR: Multiple residents in California’s Central Valley were startled last week and felt the need to call 911 when they looked up in the sky and saw an unusual light, which was the result of the convergence of Venus and Jupiter. The sheriff announced that people should not call the police about planets in the sky.

OR, YOU SHOULD JUST LET THEM KEEP THE CROCK POT: A woman who was about to get married had a heart attack and died in front of the temple in Bhavnagar, India, so her family had her younger sister replace her and marry the groom “to not send him and his family away emptyhanded.”

AND DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!: A man called the police emergency number 24 times and harassed the dispatchers in Centre County, Pa., claiming that the police department was “mind-controlling” him. When the cops showed up at his house, he spoke to them through the door in the third-person, claiming to be a CIA spokesman who was “speaking on his behalf.” He was intoxicated, “uncooperative and extremely volatile.”

BUT I’LL ADMIT I WAS PRETTY MAD, OFFICER: A woman who had been enjoying a takeout dinner of chicken and French fries in her car with her boyfriend in North Adelaide, Australia, got very angry at him when he helped himself to one of her fries. When he got out of the car, she tried to run him over, he said. She told police that her foot slipped off the brake pedal and onto the accelerator.