Absent dad wants to walk her down the aisle

Q. So I haven’t seen my dad in nine years. He walked out on our family to hang with a much younger woman in his office and we haven’t seen him since. Evidently, he just broke up with her and he is reaching out. But, here’s the thing >> I’m getting married in two weeks and he just texted me that he is sorry and would like to walk me down the aisle. That honor goes to my bonus dad. He has been in our lives for 7 years and has been there for all of us, especially my little brother who is now 14. My first thought is that I don’t want my father anywhere near my wedding. It would just be too awkward. Am I being too harsh? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Isn’t life’s timing ironic? If this had happened even a year ago you may have had time to forge somewhat of a relationship, but in two weeks it’s doubtful the pain associated with your father’s choices can be healed. And even if your goal is to forgive him and move on, it doesn’t mean you want him to walk you down the aisle.

Enter your bonus dad, someone who has been there for years. It’s completely understandable that you have made the choice you have.

Two of the most important rules of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette are Rule No. 5 (“Don’t be spiteful”) and Rule No. 6 (“Don’t hold grudges”). I don’t get the sense you are being spiteful or holding grudges. It sounds like you may eventually allow your father back into your life even though his choices have been questionable. It’s more about timing for right now, and it’s your wedding and your choice.

Do you even want your father to attend your wedding? It may be awkward for many attending — including you — if he’s standing at the back of the room after being MIA for nine years.

So, if you want him there, invite him. But if you feel it would be awkward, tell him. Something that leaves the door open if you want it to be open, sets a clear boundary and keeps the ball in your court. That’s good ex-etiquette.