Dad needs to soul-search before his sons can meet

Q. My ex and I married really young, I was 19 he was 20. We had a child soon after, but my ex was not ready to be a father and left us. He moved back in with his parents in another state and went to college, but we rarely saw him. I stayed in touch with his parents by email. About two years later I met a wonderful man. We also married, and he became very close to my son. My son knows he is not his biological father, but he calls him DAD. Last week I got a call from my ex’s mother saying that her son had remarried and has another child. He would like our son to meet his sibling. I am at a loss for how to handle this. My son is 8 years old. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. My experience suggests that it would be approached as a step plan. The most common procedure would be to slowly introduce your ex to his son, starting with supervised visits, progressing to hourly visits, then day visits, then overnights. It takes a while, if done correctly, so as not to traumatize the child.

It is ironic that a desire for the siblings to meet is the catalyst for dad reentering his son’s life. Dad needs to do some heavy soul-searching before he takes this on.

I would suggest you begin with a meeting with your son’s father to discuss his expectations. Finding a therapist familiar with similar cases will help to guide you all through the process. This may require counseling for you and dad to lay the groundwork for future communications.

Then, slowly integrate your son. Your husband will probably play a large part as well. If done properly, everyone must be aware that this will not be a quick fix. Dad may want to move the process along faster than is psychologically prudent for your son. But it is important that dad remains diligent, consistent and patient. Wanting the siblings to meet should not be the primary reason behind reentering his son’s life.

Dad must make sure this is something he really wants to do and will remain in your son’s life from this day forward. That’s good ex-etiquette.