Stoner BF just won’t change

DEAR ABBY >> I have been dating a man for more than two years, and I thought we had a future together. I’m

57, divorced, no kids. He’s 58, divorced and has two grown children. At first, he said he was living with his parents so he could take care of his dad, who had been very ill. But it has been more than three years now!

I put bids on four different houses in his parents’ neighborhood, but lost all of them. It seems the universe is not in favor of my owning a home and being closer to his family. Maybe all of this is for the best. He smokes marijuana daily, and I’m sure this is part (if not all) of the problem. His motivation for doing anything is very low.

I’m often frustrated with his unreliability, lateness and lack of communication. I do enjoy being with him, and we get along great when we are together. But nothing is CHANGING. I want a future (and a home) with someone at this point in my life. Should I keep waiting and hoping, or move on and end it with him completely? I’m struggling with the decision. I have tried to break up with him multiple times, but we always wind up together again.

— Anxious in Arizona

DEAR ANXIOUS >> I am struggling with whether to tell you what to do, which is what you are asking, or help you to make up your own mind and take responsibility for your decision. Start by making a list of what your goals are, in order of importance. Next, write down how many of them you have achieved during the time you have been with this stoner. How many of your goals match his?

He may not be a bad person, but he appears to be comfortable with living with his parents for the foreseeable future. I understand that you like hanging out with him, and if that is all you want from him, then it’s fine. However, if it isn’t, then tell him you need more than what he has to offer, and move on — and this time, make it stick.