Trying to go ‘full throttle’ toward truth
Plenty of empty words coming from Foxboro, Fenway Park
A decade ago, I was in the employ of John Henry and The Baroness.
In the aftermath of David Ortiz’s “FBomb Heard Around the World” postBoston Marathon bombing, I put together a “listicle” for their free Boston Globe-affiliated website detailing some memorable quotes in Boston sports history.
The story remains on the interwebs. It’s been cited frequently as a baseline by those updating the list. History never stops.
Most notable about these proclamations is that they were all rooted in truth. Almost.
That’s what makes them infamous.
Red Sox GM Lou Gorman was never more sincere than when he said: “The sun will rise, the sun will set, and I’ll have lunch” following Roger Clemens’ unplanned exit from Chain O’Lakes Park in Winter Haven in 1987.
Ted Williams saw the future back in 1939 when he declared: “All I want out of life, is that when I walk down the street folks will say, ‘There goes the greatest hitter that ever lived.’ ”
Then-Patriots-coach Bill Parcells carried the seriousness of a heart attack when he quipped: “If they want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries.”
Gisele Bundchen spit nothing but facts when she informed everyone within earshot that “you (have) to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball.
My husband cannot (expletive) throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”
That would be her “exhusband” these days.
In 2024, Fake News has spread to the wide, wide world of sports.
The cataclysmic state of Red Sox and Patriots these days has spawned a level of deceit and deception not seen since the Bruins won the Presidents’ Trophy last spring.
“The Big Lie” has given birth to triplets.
They are:
“Full throttle.” — Tom Werner.
“Burn some cash.” — Jerod Mayo
“Weaponize the offense.” — Eliot Wolf
All three are borderline submissions to the Attorney General’s consumer fraud department.
The one constant is these were said by people who did not have the authority to act upon them.
Werner spoke without the blessing of the Fenway Sports Group Star Chamber that determines the 2024 Red Sox roster budget. Mayo and Wolf forgot to check with the guys who write the checks: Robert and Jonathan Kraft. First up: “full throttle.” The Red Sox promised us they were going all-in this offseason to retool, rebuild, and recreate a team that is focused more on finishing in first place, rather than avoiding last.
Was it mere coincidence that the Red Sox went “full throttle” in November, ahead of their season-ticket sale push and the holidays?
Turns out “full throttle” meant “in reverse.”
“Maybe that wasn’t the most artful way of saying what I wanted to say, which is that we’re going to be pressing all levers to improve the team,” Werner told Masslive’s Sean McAdam in walking back his decree.
Imagine Larry Bird telling those poor souls in the locker room before the 1986 All-Star Weekend long-distance shootout: “I’m just looking around to see who is going to finish second … but I wish you all the best.”
Not owning what one says is the newest pandemic.
Never mind politics, where truth was always a relevant concept, we’re seeing this way too much in sports.
Trash talk has been neutered.
Brash “guarantees” have given way to “heart” emojis.
Bold claims end up being explained away days or week later.
That brings us to “burn some cash.”
Patriots head coach Jerod Mayo. Wait a minute. We have to let that sentence breathe. I typed “Patriots head coach Bill Belichick” the first 32 times.
Mayo told WEEI’s Greg Hill Show in January that his team was going all-in back to “Dynasty” mode after he was named Belichick’s replacement.
“We’re bringing in talent, 1,000 percent,” Mayo said. “Have a lot of cap space, and cash. Burn some cash.”
Mayo put way too much mustard on that one.
The only cash the Patriots set aflame was previously scorched by the metaphorical flames of $250 million in Gillette Stadium upgrades.
“You know, I kind of misspoke when I said ‘burn some cash’ but I was excited when you see those numbers,” Mayo told former Herald scribe Karen Guregian of MassLive.com. “But when you reflect on those numbers … you don’t have to spend all of it in one year. This is going to be a process.”
Except when it comes to scoreboards and lighthouses.
Then spend like you’re in Congress.
Patriots GM-In-Everything-But-Name-Only Eliot Wolf had his own Chaim Bloom moment.
“In terms of physical skills, we need to weaponize the offense,” Wolf said. “Weaponize the offense.” Once free agency arrived, the “Wolf Of Route One” became the “Sheep Of Foxboro.”
Robert and Jonathan Kraft quietly passed their own unilateral disarmament treaty when it came to spending on top-level offensive talent in free agency.
Peace now.
Stop war.
Start Jacoby Brissett. If Robert Oppenheimer was working for the 2024 Patriots instead of the 1945 Patriots, the scientists at Los Alamos would have been given four sticks of cartoon dynamite and an ACME anvil.
The only “Big One” dropped in Foxboro this offseason came in the form of “The Dynasty” on Apple+ TV. Robert Kraft turned the serialization of Jeff Benedict’s book into a seven-hour clinic on self-aggrandizement. And his former players were left holding the bag in what became a 10-episode hit piece on their GOAT of a coach.
Don’t kid yourselves. There is zero chance Kraft would have had the stones to blame the Super Bowl 52 loss on Belichick on camera, had he believed Belichick would be coaching his team this season.
It just goes to show you can’t believe everything you hear these days.
Especially from Foxboro and Fenway Park.