New mom won’t let grandma hold baby

My oldest daughter, “Kate,” is 22. Her baby is now 6 months old. She is the first grandchild and great-grandchild. Kate refuses to allow my mom to hold her baby. My mom has held the baby a couple of times, but my daughter immediately swooped in and took the baby from her. During the last family gathering, Kate wouldn’t let me hold the baby either, because she said I might let my mom hold the baby.

It hurts my heart to watch Mom treated this way. I know my mom. We haven’t always been close, and sometimes Mom says the wrong things, but she is a good person and would never hurt the baby. Because I let Kate know my feelings, she is now refusing to come to any family gathering where Mom might be present, and she won’t talk to me, either.

I’m struggling and emotional over this. Mom has done some very kind things for my daughter. She owns a timeshare and let Kate use it for graduation and her honeymoon. I feel Kate is using the baby as a weapon. Is there anything I can do? If not, how do I try to move on? — Thwarted in Utah

DEAR THWARTED >> Kate may — or may not — be using her child as a weapon to punish you and your mother for some perceived slight. She may also legitimately be worried that her grandmother might accidentally drop the little one. You stated that you and your mother weren’t close for a period of time. If you and your mother weren’t close, it would follow that your daughter wouldn’t be all that close to her grandmother.

Of course, a solution to this problem won’t be possible until you understand what has caused it, and that won’t happen until your daughter is willing to give you some straight answers. Start there. If she refuses, you will have to live your life and hope that as your grandchild grows up, the dynamic will change.