Respectful Response

The question to Miss Conduct seemed to be a thinly veiled, “Aren’t they doing it wrong?” (“Final Say,” September 18). It’s an invitation to a memorial with a request for an RSVP from a grieving family. Even if it isn’t the “accepted way” of doing things, it’s not an affront to civilized society. The letter writer could have asked the same question [in a way] that would have been fact finding, not pointing out the perceived wrongdoing of others.

astrodex posted on bostonglobe.com

This is my favorite bit from Robin Abrahams I’ve ever read for two reasons. 1) A huge pet peeve of mine is when people do exactly what this letter writer is doing and obsess—“Well, I’ve never seen it done this way before!” and “Isn’t this the wrong way to do it?” The correct way to do almost anything is however those involved want to, so long as it’s respectful and doesn’t harm anybody. 2) The response is written in a way that really asks the writer to delve deep into their reaction, in a way that could hopefully provoke learning from it. It’s brilliant. kheebs27 posted on bostonglobe.com

Wow, that was nasty! (Well, at least that was my first thought; more politely, I guess I’d say that “I was really surprised at the tone of Miss Conduct’s response.”) The letter writer, who was probably born before e-mail, is confronted with what apparently is a newer (to her) way of managing a “celebration of life,” which is also a newer way of approaching what used to be called a “funeral.” Why not treat her with the kindness one treats the 4-year-old in the “Why?” stage? Education is a powerful gift. “As an experiment, try assuming everyone is doing their best with what they’ve got for a week. I bet it will feel good.” I’d encourage Miss Conduct to re-read this last paragraph that she wrote, and apply it to herself.

Ann Somers Brookline, New Hampshire

I tend to ask why a lot as well, and this question from the reader certainly helped me see my own attributional style and is encouraging me to have more compassion.

12x99screenname posted on bostonglobe.com

My husband and brother both died recently, and we had celebrations of life for both. With my husband, word was spread via Facebook and I asked people to let me know if they knew they were coming, but made it clear anyone should feel welcome to show up at the last minute. I knew how many chairs to have, that I needed a microphone, and most importantly, how much food to get. I also knew what size venue I needed. It was very successful. With my brother, we had no invitations, no way to gauge how many to expect, and it was a lot less smooth, and actually kind of stressful. The last thing anyone needs at this emotional time is stress. Help the grieving family out and do as they request without criticism.

cellar door posted on bostonglobe.com

This is a good example as to why most should leave

instructions upon their passing. Then all that needs to be said is, “This was his/her wishes,” and it takes the pressure off family members.

JAG49 posted on bostonglobe.com

End to Gridlock

I’ve tried and been frustrated for years by the Brendan Emmett Quigley puzzles in Sunday’s Globe. I usually curse and give up but I kept the September 18 puzzle (“Themeless Challenger”) active for the week and I’m delighted to finally claim “success” — completed with 18 cheats!

Mary Cooney Dorchester

Called to Serve

Thank you, Mark Pothier, for your candid account of jury service in Perspective (“I Thought Jury Duty Would be a Drag. Then I Served,” September 25). It captures well the frustrations, satisfaction, and ultimate importance of that experience. It also matches my own on the two occasions I have served as a juror (the most recent having been while I was a sitting Appeals Court justice). In 2011, I was part of a delegation of Massachusetts judges and court officials who participated in a conference in Xiangtan, China, regarding the American jury trial system. Listening to the questions

and concerns of our Chinese counterparts, I realized for the first time what a remarkably and fundamentally democratic right our jury system provides. We entrust the ultimate decision in both civil and criminal trials to ordinary citizens, who are pulled from random lists, and expected to listen impartially to the evidence and to apply the law. That faith in the wisdom of ordinary citizens is unsurprising to us as Americans, but seemed incomprehensible to adherents of an autocratic, centrally controlled society. And, yet, some in our country take it for granted. Commentary like this helps to restore an awareness of the value of what recently retired Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer calls “active citizenship.”

Massachusetts Appeals Court Chief Justice Mark V. Green

Brookline

Outstanding article on jury service! Should be required reading for everyone called for jury duty.

William J. Lundregan

Marblehead

As a retired attorney, I was captivated by this article. It is my hope that prospective jurors will read it and, if called, find the patience to apply these suggestions. Most important is the ability to stay “neutral” and to listen intently to the witnesses and judge. In my own experience, I have found people to have a natural ability to sense when a witness is sincere. The experience can be life-changing.

Barbara F Gordon

Beverly

Juries are unlike voters in elections. First, there is no advertising controlled by wealth. Second, there is a greater effort to avoid prejudice or pre-judgment. Third, a judge decides what, by law, may be offered to a jury, and what may not, unlike the lies exchanged by candidates. Perhaps elections should be run the same way.

Richard D. Gilman

Lexington

As a retired judge, I am always interested in hearing about jurors’ experiences. It’s

nice to know that, in the era of attacks on democracy, this extremely important democratic institution is alive and well.

Mary Ann Driscoll

Dorchester

In Massachusetts, if you are over 70, you can avoid jury service just by asking. When I received a jury summons early in 2020, I was over 70 and had retired. I thought long and hard about whether to avail myself of the automatic exemption. (I was not so much concerned about jury service per se, but about COVID-19.) As I went through the process of signing up and even when I went to Lowell to present myself for service, every state employee I encountered told me the same thing: “You are over 70, you don’t have to serve.” I always said the same thing: “I want to serve.” It seems perverse that someone who has agreed to jury service, in spite of being able to get out of it, would be assumed to want to skip. [Does] the state believe everyone over 70 is senile and would somehow screw up a trial? In other words, blatant age discrimination?

Hal Lockhart

Newton

Unfortunately, as I found when I was summoned to jury duty, many people with disabilities are excluded from serving even if they are willing. Accommodations are only made for mobility, hard of hearing, vision, and service animals. If you have “invisible” disabilities that are regularly accommodated quite easily at work or school, the only “accommodation” is to get a medical disqualification.

Elizabeth Sinclair

Milton

This article is a reminder of the importance of serving as a juror. I particularly appreciated Mark Pothier’s observation that the judicial system has been undermined by political agendas and conspiracy theories and jurors can make a difference one case at a time. As a 38-year law librarian for the Massachusetts Trial Court, I’ve been discouraged in recent years that society no longer sees the significance of the courts as a critical third branch of government. For those of us who strive to provide access to justice on a daily basis, it can be tempting to give up, but then there’s the realization of the devastating consequences. We have to keep working to make our country better.

Louise Hoagland

Plymouth

I also do not understand people’s bad attitudes about jury duty. I was always very excited to potentially sit on a jury. However, the last time I was called, I was very surprised and then upset by the process. Pothier mentioned being “led off one-by-one

to be interviewed by the judge and attorneys.”

What I learned is that, as a potential juror, you sit on the stand and are questioned by the judge and attorneys as if you are on trial. This is done in front of the defendant, if they so choose. This includes people charged with very violent crimes. I’m sure it was said in the briefing but the full weight of that was not clear until it happened. I think this is a key component of jury duty selection that cannot be repeated enough.

Jen Millett

Worcester

Iservedonajuryona drunken-driving case many years ago and was gratefully dismissed as a potential juror on a murder case a few years past that. In both circumstances I certainly felt the importance of this service in our society. May I suggest that the Globe elaborates on this topic in some journalistic manner, in order to present the challenge of jury service while we all lead busy lives, and its importance in our society? For how else should we decide cases?

See if defendants scream while walking across hot coals? Enable some King Solomon to make these decisions? This democratic institution should be better presented and celebrated.

Robert Rosofsky

Milton

Written Off

I chuckled at the comment in Miss Conduct (“Pause and Effect,” September

25) about interacting with vendors in booths, where she mentioned “the classic Boston maneuver of avoiding eye contact and pretending the other person isn’t there.” I moved from Chicago to Boston over 30 years ago and I still remember on the first day of my new job, a guy who interviewed me and helped hire me walked right by me in the hall without looking at me or saying hi. What is going

on? I thought.

Gayle H. Edson

Wakefield

I have a very talented artist sister who used to do craft fairs, and here are a couple more tips: Beyond not pretending the person isn’t there, also don’t proclaim loudly to your companion, “I could make this at home!” Maybe you could, but you likely couldn’t. Also, don’t complain (again usually loudly to your companion, but also to the artist) about the price. You can buy it or not — it’s not a necessity like milk or diapers — but most artists charge pennies on the hour for their work and undervalue their art simply so people actually will buy it. As a mystery writer, I’ve often sat at booths at craft fairs with other local writers. At almost every one a man (never the same guy, but always a man), comes and loudly and proudly proclaims that he doesn’t read. My response is always, “I feel bad for you — you’re missing a lot!”

Maureen Milliken

Belgrade Lakes, Maine