Better to Give?

A DECISION TO NOT EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS IS CREATING TENSION.

My sister-in-law has mandated that we not exchange Christmas presents this year. Neither time nor money is an issue for her family. I enjoy shopping, wrapping, and sending the gifts. Her decree has put me in a no-win situation: Either I buy the gifts and create tension, or I don’t and some of my own enjoyment of the holiday is diminished, plus I’ve let someone else dictate my behaviors. I was taught that family matters, but her dictum has created an impossible situation for me. Please advise.

Anonymous / Boston

You don’t mean she’s trying to stop all gift exchanges, right? Because that’s silly and unenforceable. Person A can’t tell Person B not to give a gift to Person C.

But if she and her family want to opt out, that’s their prerogative. We are, in fact, allowed to “dictate” the behaviors of others toward ourselves, in terms of what we do and do not want, will and will not allow. That’s the very foundation of consent. Person X may sincerely want to interact with Person Y in a particular way — just overwhelmingly wants to scoop them up and tickle them, or share a cheerful cup of wassail with them, or engage in vigorous political debate, or shower them with gifts — but the desire to do that thing doesn’t confer the right to do it. Only Person Y gets to decide that.

And if Person Y doesn’t want to be scooped or tickled or debated with or treated or ... wassaulted with mulled wine, then don’t. It doesn’t matter if those activities are widely enjoyed by many people, or a part of holiday tradition. It doesn’t matter if Person Y is family, or not family, or young, or old. It doesn’t matter if Person X knows or agrees with Person Y’s reason, or feels certain that Person Y actually would enjoy the activity if they’d just loosen up.

What matters is that Person Y said no. Because good people hear and abide by the “no’s” of others — graciously, with no passive-aggression or eye rolls or huffs.

I thank you for giving me a chance to address this topic as we move into the holiday season, when this kind of “benign” boundary-busting can become a real issue! The holidays should be the season of giving, not of foisting, which people can forget sometimes. The extent of your rage at your sister-in-law, though, makes me wonder if something is going on beyond the common aggressive holiday excess. Why are you experiencing her boundary as some kind of aggression against you? Why does slightly diminished enjoyment feel like an impossible situation? If your greatest holiday joy was making nut rolls, and your sister in law had a severe nut allergy, would you feel this level of anger? It might be worth doing some work to, uh, unwrap what’s going on.