Blast From the Past
YEARS AFTER OUR BREAKUP, HE TELLS ME I RUINED HIS LIFE.
Q. An ex of mine stole my smartphone and wouldn’t give it back for weeks. Then he broke my tablet.
I finally broke up with him almost three months into the relationship. Six weeks before our breakup, he told me had done those things “for us.” He did not offer to replace my belongings.
Years later, he sends me a Facebook message out of the blue to apologize. He added that my breaking up with him ruined his life. He did not admit to sabotaging our relationship and somehow still blames me. I told him he was a narcissist, but he disagrees.
Why would he say this to me years later — and why do jerks like him continue to accuse others of ruining their lives after all they’ve done wrong? Why don’t they understand how their actions have created undesirable outcomes for them? Also, why do these exes believe they can do whatever they want, but you have no right to leave them? He just didn’t care about hurting me and stealing from me. Is he a sociopath or something? – Why?
A. I am not a licensed anything (besides driver), so I won’t try to diagnose this ex for you. I won’t even jump to calling him a narcissist. All I know is that he did and said awful things. You know that too, which is why you left him. I guess that’s the point, right? It kind of doesn’t matter why he behaves this way because he’s not your problem.
Yes, it might soothe you to be able to name the problem. Maybe it would also be nice to know that he’s getting help, learning to be self-aware, and doing his best to make sure he doesn’t treat anyone else like this ever again. But his actions are out of your hands. All you can do is keep him out of your life. No more answering messages. He doesn’t deserve the time or analysis.
Try to focus on who you’ve become now that the relationship is over. You’ve learned to spot controlling and abusive behavior. You know how to dismiss excuses that don’t make sense. You can be certain you’re capable of walking away.
You don’t need apologies to get the closure you need.
Think about yourself. You’re a much more interesting subject. – Meredith
READERS RESPOND
He acts like a jerk because he IS a jerk. Cut off all future contact and dismiss him from your mind. He’s not even worth figuring out.
OUTOFORDER
His behavior didn’t change overnight. You put up with it, and you should have bolted at the first sight of it instead of cutting him slack when he didn’t deserve or earn it. Learn from this, and don’t make the same mistakes with the next one.
HARRISBSTONE
I have a narcissist in my family and you will never get to the bottom of this behavior.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
You can’t apply logic to the illogical. Block him from all contact and be happy he’s in the past.
NANOSECO
Having this kind of experience often leaves the person who was robbed feeling guilty for trusting the guy in the first place. If you are letting those feelings of guilt bubble up because he reached out and stirred the whole thing up, it’s time to forgive yourself. Focus on whatever growth you’ve experienced since then.
PRINCEHANS
Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.