Kaffeeklatsch Crasher

WE MEET EVERY DAY, BUT CAN’T GET RID OF AN INTERLOPER.

We have a great daily Starbucks group of about six to eight people who have been gathering for more than 10 years. Recently, “Bob” has been pulling up a chair, and he just kills the banter and the give-and-take of the group. He’s oblivious to his momentumkilling intrusion. He’s clueless. How do we get rid of him?

J.P. / La Jolla, California

Side note: Why do people so often use the name “Bob” for hapless folks like this when disguising names or positing hypotheticals? If you read a lot of advice columns and forums, it’s noticeable.

Surely linguists must have some idea. What about Bob?

A little background on your personal Bob would be helpful — is “Bob” a random Starbucks patron who pulled up a chair one day and kept coming back, like a squirrel to a bird feeder? Is he a daily

Bob or a biweekly Bob? Are the people in the group sort-of friends with him, but not close? Is he someone’s brother-in-law (Bobs so often are)? What’s the history?

If Bob isn’t properly part of the group to begin with, someone can kindly explain the boundary conditions to him. This isn’t kicking him out of the group so much as explaining he’s never properly been in it. “It’s been great to get to know you, but we all went to school together/ hiked the Appalachian Trail/are all in witness protection, and we try to keep this time special for us. Enjoy your improv class/congrats on that promotion/ best of luck with your mother’s recovery!” Offering good wishes on something Bob has mentioned before, thus showing you were listening, takes a bit of the sting out. (From the way you describe him, it probably isn’t improv classes he’s been talking about.)

For that matter, you don’t have to have an official membership criteria — especially given how long your gang has been meeting up, you can describe yourself as a tight bunch, a restricted area that Bob inadvertently wandered into and will now be shepherded out of. This is both the most unmistakably direct way to get rid of Bob, and also the kindest, since the message is “this group is not accepting new members,” not “you failed the probationary period.” It’s a moment of embarrassment, but not outright rejection.

Your other options are to move to whatever Caffe Nero or indie shop is on the next block (there always is one); to ice Bob out during the conversation; or to exert a little effort to help him get into the rhythm. None of these sounds ideal to me, but this is a context-dependent situation. Whatever approach you take, the entire group needs to be comfortable with it. If you all don’t already have a group chat or text, start one, to ensure that everyone is on the same page about Bob’s conversation-killing superpower and what to do about it. People may surprise you.