Something Old, Something New

EVERY MAN I DATE IS STILL INVOLVED WITH HIS WIFE.

Q.I got divorced after a long marriage, shortly before COVID. I recently started dating. I’ve met some great guys who are still married or in a long-term relationship.

One lives in a house with his wife and an adult child; one lives on a different floor in the same house with the mother of their teenager; and one is separated but living a few blocks away from his wife, sharing custody of two teens. Even though that last one refers to his wife as his “ex” . . . he’s not divorced. Not one has explained why he hasn’t ended his relationship with the mother.

Should I avoid getting involved with men in these situations? I’m not interested in waiting around for a guy to decide if he’s ready to end his relationship completely. But I’m wondering if this could be a missed opportunity if he is truly emotionally over his ex, and just hasn’t been able to leave his situation for an unrelated reason such as finances or to keep custody of his kids. - Debating in Duxbury

A.Every situation is different. I won’t tell you to stay away from all of these men because divorce can take a long time. Frankly, lots of divorced people aren’t ready to date, while some still-marrieds are.

One rule that does seem to make sense: Maybe don’t date men who live with an expartner. Even if the situation is aboveboard, it seems like it’d be difficult. Logistically annoying. It sounds like you’d rather meet a guy who has his own place. That’s fair.

That rules out Man 1 and Man 2 in your letter, but Man 3 — the guy who lives down the street from his ex — might just be a really involved dad who’s dealing with divorce paperwork. It’s worth getting more information about him. You can ask why he’s not divorced. Get the scoop.

I know people who had to wait more than a year — sometimes two — before a divorce was final. No matter what was on the books, they weren’t great to date until their new living situations were settled.

The right person, if he’s married, will be able to explain what’s going on. He’ll be transparent and show you his home life, while protecting his kids.

Remember that if anything feels off at any point during a dating experience, you can walk away. You can give people the benefit of the doubt but follow your gut.

Good luck — and keep me posted, please. – Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Don’t waste any more of your life on a person you don’t want to be with. ASH

Everyone has their own beliefs, so figure out where yours are. I personally would not date someone who isn’t divorced unless they have signed the papers and are just waiting for the court date. I would definitely not date someone who is still living in the house with their spouse even if they are living like roommates (and how do you verify that?). LEGALLYLIZ2017

I am intrigued by the guy who “lives on a different floor” in the same house. You have to assume they’re still eating dinner together as a family most nights, right? STRIPEY-CAT

An unavailable man is an unavailable man. It’s rather difficult to accidentally find only married men to date. Focus on those who are free and clear of any vestiges of marital attachments.

BIGSIGH

Divorce is a legal and emotional process. If they haven’t done the legal work, they likely haven’t done the emotional work, either. They’re still enmeshed either way. FRIARTUCK01

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.