Gratuity Advice

WHAT’S A FAIR TIP? PLUS, CLASHING CO-WORKERS.

Is restaurant dining back to normal and we can go back to our pre-pandemic tip levels, or have things changed and we should realize that food servers continue to be underpaid and deserve a bit more? When the card reader suggests 15 percent, 20 percent, or 25 percent, does that mean you’re a cheapskate if you select the lowest one? When a barista pours a cup of coffee and hands you a muffin, is a tip appropriate? Necessary? If the checkout system suggests 10 percent, 15 percent, or 20 percent, does that mean it’s almost a requirement to tip? What about the deli where they make you a sandwich?

L.S. / Boston

Tip more now.

That’s not going to be popular advice, I realize, but that’s where we are. Boston rents are the third highest in the country. MBTA woes have made getting to work a chancy ordeal. Everyone who was hurting before the pandemic —underpaid workers, young people, members of disadvantaged groups — is hurting more now, economically and emotionally.

So be kind. Restaurant tipping is 20 percent to 25 percent, no longer 15 percent (that move was underway prior to the pandemic). Tip a buck on a coffee order, a couple at the deli, and 10 to 20 percent on delivery depending on how easy or not your place is to find. And whatever you do, don’t get snippy or hostile, ever, about tip screens. Whatever you feel in response to those screens isn’t the fault of the person who is standing in front of you, so don’t take it out on them.

I’ve been annoyed by and struggling with a co-worker for seven years. Our personalities, communication, and work styles clash. She has more education and I have more experience; I’m Gen X, she’s millennial. Some of her traits include being the consummate “back seat driver,” deflecting responsibility, interrupting, correcting people, and thinking out loud. She speaks very loud and fast, projecting her voice. The extent which she externalizes her anxiety results in a lot of disruptive noise to navigate, especially given how closely I have to work with this person.

Anonymous / Boston

Stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself more. Sounds counterintuitive, right? Shouldn’t we strive to understand and empathize with others? Yes, we should, but that’s not what’s happening anymore. You’re perseverating. You can’t stop interpreting your colleague, gathering evidence against her for some case you’re making in your head. And it’s been seven years!

Instead, when you find yourself irritated with your colleague in a meeting, identify your feelings to yourself, as objectively and specifically as possible. Do something physical to interrupt yourself — take a drink of water, stretch, do a quick grounding exercise — and then refocus on the task at hand. Teach yourself to dismiss thoughts of her when they occur outside of any interaction, as well. When faced with distressing stimulus, the brain can either self-soothe, or it can make things worse with spiraling negative cognitions. You can’t give your colleague a personality transplant, but you can at least get your own brain to do right by you. So work on that.

COLLEAGUE POSING A CHALLENGE? Miss Conduct can help! Write missconduct@globe.com.