Mired In the Past
AFTER SOME BIG LOSSES, A FRIEND SEEMS STUCK IN HIS MISERY.
A friend of my husband’s and mine had been going through a rough time for the past few years: parents died, awful sister contested the will, he had to move back home for six months to deal with it all. It really sucked and we did a lot to support him. Everything is settled now, our friend has inherited a lot of money — enough to let him quit his job — but he still calls us to complain. A lot. Sometimes about things like household chores he could absolutely afford to outsource now. How do I rebalance our friendship to be more equal, while still letting him know we care about his grief?
Anonymous / Cambridge
What does “more equal” look like to you? If you’re giving more than the other person in a relationship, that can be rebalanced in one of two ways: Either you do less, or they do more. Which of those, intuitively, feels like what you need?
Reflect on that a bit, and then talk to your friend. Because here’s what my intuition is telling me: His current dependency on you and your husband isn’t coming from selfishness, but is actually an aspect of his protracted mourning and whatever turmoil he might still be going through as a result of his sister’s behavior. He had a horrible few years during which every ordinary chore or minor complication turned into A Whole Ordeal. Now his brain is stuck in that mode, like a cancer survivor who freaks out at the slightest physical symptom. Your friend is not acting like a rich person who can afford meal delivery and house cleaners because he hasn’t become that person yet. The soldier came home but his heart’s still on the battlefield, dig?
Which is why gently confronting him is, I think, an act of love. Ask for the kind of support that you want from him, or have a heart-to-heart about the fact that some of his “problems” really aren’t. Not in the spirit of a Moonstruck Cher “Snap out of it!” slap, but because his attitude is itself a problem, and one that’s probably causing him pain whether he realizes it or not. He’s catastrophizing and enacting learned helplessness and from what you imply, he was not like this in the past. That’s the kind of thing you want your friends to tell you, so tell him. Help him wake up to the reality of his present circumstances and reclaim his power to act. Sometimes the most empowering gift you can give a person is a request for their help.
My analysis, of course, could be entirely wrong!
You’re the one who knows the full details of the situation and all the extenuating circumstances. What was your gut reaction reading this? Did I get it right, or are you feeling that maybe your friend has been like this all along? Either way, I hope this makes your path of action clearer.