Make a Move

SHE’S RELOCATING, AND WANTS HER BOYFRIEND TO GO.

Q.

I’m planning to move back home next year to be closer to my aging parents. But I’m not sure my boyfriend of 10 years wants to come with me. He’s super close to his kids (who are all grown-ups), and I love that about him. We have talked about moving to my part of the country together — and he was on board with the idea. I’m just no longer sure he still would want to come with me and share our lives in a new place.

Honestly, I’m afraid to bring up the subject and talk to him about my plan and that I have a timeline for my move. I love my boyfriend. I do want him to come home with me. Some days, I’m no longer sure if that’s what he would want. I certainly don’t want to take him away from his kids. Is this the beginning of the end for us, or should I take the bull by the horns and talk to him about my plans?

– Moving

A.

Talk to him about your plans! Please. Honestly, it might hurt his feelings that you’ve come up with a departure date without discussing it first. You don’t want him to feel blindsided by the information. If he’s a real partner, this is supposed to be an ongoing conversation, as opposed to a one-sided mission.

I assume you’re afraid to find out whether he’s still open to leaving. I get that. But your silence prevents a conversation about compromise. He might tell you he’d like to split his time. Or maybe he’ll want to find a much larger place in your hometown so it’s easier to have guests. Maybe his kids plan to move around anyway. I have no idea. Neither do you.

Have a conversation about everything, not just “move or don’t.” What does he think of the area where you need to be? Are some neighborhoods more interesting than others? Do you have friends there? How much of your time will be spent with your parents? How often would you be open to returning? Could this start as a long-distance arrangement? There are so, so many questions. You’ve reduced this to “yes” or “no,” but I see it as, “What does this mean, specifically?” and “How might this work for both of us?”

It’s been 10 years. Talk about the difficult thing. Keep an open mind.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

What’s the alternative to talking to him about this? Are you going to just move away without saying anything?

OUTOFORDER

You’ve talked about it already and he was on board. Do you want him with you or not?

JOEYMAMA

Are you willing to move back once you no longer have aging parents? Can you split your time now between locations?

DANGLEPARTICIPLE

You’re thinking of this as “your” move and “your” timeline; to me, that says something. If having your boyfriend move with you were a priority, you would be framing this as “ours.” You are choosing this course with or without your boyfriend as part of the plan. There’s nothing wrong with that — you should do what feels right for you — but it does indicate you’re sort of half-in, half-out of this relationship.

ELLEEM

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.