Reverse Course

I WAITED FOR HER FOR DECADES. NOW SHE’S DIVORCED — BUT DATING SOMEONE ELSE.

Q. I had an affair 21 years ago and have kept in touch with this woman. Recently, she informed me that she is getting divorced. I’ve been divorced for more than 10 years. She told me her therapist advised her to take some time for herself. I agreed and decided to give her time.

Her ex-husband found out we were communicating again and told me to stay away (he knew of our affair). Of course, this woman and I still had strong feelings for each other and I thought we would eventually be together again. But I just found out she is now in a new relationship with another man.

My questions are: Am I better off without her? Am I better off not seeking a relationship with her, knowing that her exhusband would be an issue? That her children might not accept me knowing their mom and I had an affair 21 years ago?

– 21 Years in Love

A. Her husband and children don’t seem like the big hurdles right now. The main problem with pursuing this woman is that she’s dating someone else. She’s unavailable to you, so you might as well focus on yourself.

You’re better off dating others, now that you’re no longer in the shadow of this woman’s marriage. I’m sure you’ve spent years wondering what might happen if she got divorced. Now you know. It did not mean the two of you would run into each other’s arms.

It would be nice for you to date without comparing everyone to a love that started 21 years ago. Maybe, after all this change, you’re in a better place to be open to someone who wants to build a relationship from scratch.

Also, you’ve been out of your marriage for more than a decade. She can’t jump to where you are on your journey. And yes, the husband/children issue might have made things painful no matter what. The history isn’t happy for everyone.

This all adds up to a big “no” — nothing about what you’ve told us suggests this is a match.

Consider other ways to spend your time. You’re like a newly single person all over again; it’s a great time to figure out what makes you feel good now.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

You’re missing out if you’ve been waiting for someone you had an affair with two decades ago. She’s moved on to someone else, so it doesn’t seem like she was exactly waiting for you two to be reunited. DANGLEPARTICIPLE

Honestly, she probably does want a relationship with a clean slate, and who can blame her? Clearly her family already knows about this infidelity and it caused a fair amount of pain, presumably. Now she’s divorced and her options are: 1. You, who she hasn’t been with in 21 years, and who is the personified version of everything that went wrong in her marriage; or 2. Anyone else. ELLEEM

Red flag: Her therapist advised her to take time to work on herself, you gave her the space to do so . . . and she started a new relationship.

HEYITHINK

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.