Meeting Expectations
WHEN SHOULD YOU INTRODUCE A NEW PARTNER TO LOVED ONES?
Q. Is there any specific timeline for introducing your new relationship to your friends?
I had been in a complicated relationship with a woman (we went from a hookup to an open relationship to exclusivity — all while one of us was married). But our most difficult issue was that I never introduced her to my friends or incorporated her into my world quickly enough for her.
At one point she said it would never feel good to meet them because she had to ask first.
My friends mean the world to me, but she would argue that she introduced me to her family first, which she said is a much bigger deal.
While I understand there is no right answer, it will always be something I think about and question. Curious on your thoughts. – Confused in Connecticut
A. First, there is no competition between friends and family. For some, an introduction to parents or siblings means everything. To others, it’s all about friends and chosen family. There’s no “most important” rule that applies to everyone.
Second, I do not understand the whole “hookup to exclusivity while married” thing (not sure who was married, if that was a stress, etc.), but perhaps you didn’t introduce her to your friends because the relationship wasn’t in a clear place. Maybe you didn’t know how to explain who she was to you, so you avoided situations where you’d have to figure it out — in front of spectators. I could be wrong! But I do wonder whether she was right to question if the lack of introductions reflected problems in the relationship.
As for when an introduction should happen, there’s no one right answer. If you’re seeing someone you like, you could take them to an event or meal with one or two other people. Fun people. You don’t have to start with your most important friends. Sometimes it’s nice to have a test run with someone who can just hang out without interrogating your new significant other because they care so much.
It might help to identify your best meet-and-greeter. I have a cousin who’s super interesting, funny, asks great questions, and has a weird power to make a room feel calm. All of my friends think she’s the best. She’s a good representative of the people and things I care about. This cousin also trusts me to run my own life — she knows that when I tell her something or introduce her to someone new, I’m not looking for approval, only support.
Anyway, she’s my pick for “person who can show up, meet someone, and be cool.” Find yours.
Also, to that cousin: Yes, I should take you to dinner. – Meredith
READERS RESPOND
I think the reason you didn’t bring this person around your friends is because you were uncomfortable with the style of relationship you were in. FANCYFLAMES
As a general rule, the time to introduce the married person you are in a “relationship” with to your friends is never. The time to introduce an otherwise single person you are dating to your friends varies. Do it when it feels right and in a way that isn’t forced. THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE