Gender Gap

I DON’ T KNOW IF I CAN GET PAST HER BELIEFS ABOUT SEXUAL IDENTITY.

Q. Long story short, I’m a bisexual dating another bisexual. Where is the problem, you may ask? She’s in the closet.

My queer friends know it’s not the best to date someone in the closet. And I feel like we’re not even dating. We don’t talk much in real life, which is my fault really. We mostly just flirt and text. It’s really not fun at all.

I’m just frustrated . . . but I feel like I could love her. As someone who is kind of in the gender-neutral spectrum, it’s also not that fun dating someone who thinks there are only two genders in the world. I’m basically cisgender, so her thinking there are only two genders shouldn’t concern me, but some of my friends identify in different ways, and they would not want to be around someone who might deny their experience.

I feel like I’m dating someone with internalized homophobia, but because of my feelings for her, I’m confused about what to do. — Confused

A. “It’s really not fun at all.”

This is what has me stuck. You’re wondering what to do about these complicated, deal-breaking differences, but on top of that, you don’t have much of a bond in real life.

You’re “flirting and texting.” This does not sound like a great love.

It’s possible you’re falling for the idea of her — what she could be, what you hope she might be. Instead, think about what she is. Are you fulfilled by your relationship as it stands? Maybe you’ve avoided pursuing this in real life because you’d be happier single. Perhaps you know that.

Basically, you’ve listed a bunch of problems that would be difficult to work through. It might be worth confronting them if there were more here, but . . . it’s a shallow connection.

It would be nice to have fun with someone who gets you.

Fun is important. If it’s not that, you can move on. — Meredith

READERS RESPOND

It sounds like she’s happy with the flirting and texting and doesn’t want much more than that. If you want a real relationship, you should probably try someone else. It’s hard to accept that someone you have become emotionally invested in will not return your feelings. PHILONIA

You list several reasons why you don’t really want to date her, but then you say you are confused because you think you love her. Maybe you should think about why you feel that way, because it doesn’t really sound like you even like her. THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE

The gender identity or sexual preferences aren’t the issues here. She’s just not that into you, enough to make this a real and joyful connection. Let it go. Move on. BLOOMINGFLOWERS2

If your only interaction with this person is through texting, you’re not dating, much less in love. SURFERROSA

A crush can come on like an emotional freight train when the feelings are so intense. So can the fantasizing, and that’s key here. You’re not dealing in reality. When you decide to take a step back from this . . .you’ll look back and recognize it for the crush/fantasy that it is. EACB

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.