Ghost Story

DEALING WITH A DATING APP DISAPPEARING ACT.

Q.

I met a guy on a dating site. We’re both in our early 30s. We met up three times.

Over the past two weeks, he would text me and we would meet up. He would tell me, “I’m really into you.”

Last week, he said he would plan our next date. But this week . . . I didn’t hear from him. I sent him a text — and no response.

I noticed this is common for me on dating apps. I’ll talk to guys. They want to plan. Then, poof! Nothing.

I feel disappointed. Does this just happen on dating apps? I would have appreciated a text that said we are not a match.

— Ghosted

A.

“Does this just happen on dating apps?”

Yes. All the time. There’s bad behavior everywhere, which is a bummer, and I’m sorry.

Some of these ghosts wind up turning into zombies — meaning they show up every few months to like a social media post, even though they never said a proper goodbye in the first place.

Please know that while these frustrating experiences are common, they are not inevitable. Some people do show up to explain why they’re ending a relationship.

They behave like grown-ups, excusing themselves politely. At the very least, they respond to a message that asks, “Hey, what happened?”

I wish I could tell you how to boost your spirits after a bad experience like this one. All I can say is that there are many other people on these apps who wish they could meet someone who communicates.

Ghosters out there: It takes five minutes to say, “Hey, thanks for your time, but I want to tell you I’m going to move on. I hope we both meet great people.” Steal that line! If there has been any talk about future plans (even simple messaging about a date, or a discussion of Date 2 on Date 1), make it clear it’s not going to happen. Please. — Meredith

READERS RESPOND

In ancient times (’70s and ’80s), men asked for your landline number after a great evening at the club, then said “I’ll call you!” and women believed it. They went home and excitedly waited by the phone for Prince Charming to call. . . and he never did . . . . And women gave fake phone numbers to guys they didn’t like, in order to not hurt their feelings. No one wants to say, “I’m not that into you.” AUNTTIGGYWINK

I think you’re putting too much of the process on the guy — waiting for him to text, set dates, etc. If someone tells you they’ll be in touch and then they disappear after three dates, don’t bother texting and waiting. Get back out there and hold your head high. DANGLEPARTICIPLE

I’ve been ghosted before but all that really means to me is that they weren’t interested and, if anything, I dodged a bullet. JSMUS

Sometimes people are infatuated but realize it’s not a match, or they meet someone else and it’s, “Look, shiny new penny!” Or there really are other things that come up. You can’t know, so let it go. In general, manners are an endangered species. JIVEDIVA

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.