Spring Fling
FORGET SERIOUS — I WANT TO BE BURNED BY DESIRE.
Q.
I’m 23 and I am struggling to find someone I really like. I’ve only had one long-term relationship with a guy I didn’t like romantically. He was more of a friend.
The guys I’ve liked are always unavailable (either taken, forbidden in some way, or don’t ask me out, maybe because I seem unapproachable).
There are guys who are interested in me sometimes, but they are never the type of person I am looking for in my life right now. I want to be burned by desire and have fun, and not talk about anything serious or important.
I am always the mature one — the hard worker and overthinker. Now I want to live my life a bit more and date people it feels addictive to be close to. I don’t care if it will lead to a relationship at this point.
What would you advise me to do to change the type of guys I interact with, so that I like them more?
I love your podcast and I feel sooo seen when you share your personal experiences with dating.
— Looking for Romance
A.
I do share my personal stories on the podcast! I don’t have any that match this letter. (I like my romances calm and comfy.)
That said, I do have some thoughts about how to find wild love. Dating apps and vacations can be good for intense, short romances.
On a dating app, you can swipe on the person whose photos make you drool. It doesn’t have to be about shared interests or big life plans. You can find the people who are clear they want passion now.
The trip thing is even better for this. Want to know why people often have big memories about romances they had at summer camp — specifically sleepaway camp? Because they were away from reality. Because they got to show up as a brand-new version of themselves. Because everyone was on borrowed time; as soon as camp starts, there’s a countdown clock to the end. (I never went to sleepaway camp, but when friends came home, there were tears — sometimes about great loves.)
Yes, we’ve had two podcast episodes where adults tell stories about their camp romances. (One former camp couple finds each other later in life!)
There are trips that can re-create this experience. Tours that last for days or weeks. Music festivals. My guess is that if you’re trapped in a space where there are a bunch of people your age — and no other distractions—you’ll feel some major feelings and find love, even if it’s temporary. Just be safe while you do it.
Sometimes it takes some warm-up before hanging out with someone feels “addictive.” (I don’t love that word. It doesn’t sound healthy. But I know you’ve used it for a reason.) It’s not always lust at first sight. Pay attention to who sparks some interest and see what grows.
— Meredith
READERS RESPOND
Stop chasing the rush of emotions. Those guys you are rejecting are probably your people, although it may not seem that way initially.
ODIEHELPS
You have some living to do, and in a few years this letter isn’t really going to resonate with you the same way.
JSMUS