Lazy? 10 ways you can still intellectually stimulate kids

Everyone says kids are like sponges. Because they're germy and start to smell really bad unless you wash them well in hot water and soap.

Also, because their little minds are growing and expanding at approximately twice the rate of the average American waistline, and that's saying something.

But before you get out the flashcards, and by "get out," I mean "purchase for the first time," why not see if one of these more lackadaisical approaches can serve equally well to stimulate your little one's synaptic growth?

Learn a new language.

One good one is "slang from the 90's." Girl, that picture you drew is fly! Don't hate on your sister, Madison. Learning that words have double meanings and that grammar is fluid can really enhance your child's cognitive flexibility.

Play tic tac toe. Yes, you can always win, but that's the point. Always losing teaches your child humility, grace, and good sportsmansh — what? How did you do that? Oh my God, now my four year old can beat me at tic tac toe. Before I had kids I was an intellectual powerhouse, I swear.

Learn sign language together. Don't worry, I'm sure you know some already. Like "Whatever" and "bye bye." And "birdie." Yes, I'm sure that's "birdie." What do you mean you Googled it and it's "washing machine?" How depressing.

Use math in real life.

Yes, kids, math is super important. Like now, when I have to figure out how much money we can afford to spend on Mommy getting her hair done. It's our monthly income minus our mortgage, minus our electric bills, minus the car repair bill, minus ... you know what, let's do science instead. Which brings us to...

Baking soda and vinegar

volcanos. No, I don't know why. But I know they work, because they can unclog your shower drain. There must be something you can talk about, with pressure, or gravity, or acid, I don't know. Work with me.

Create modern art. The key word is "modern." There are no rules here, friend. Just do what you feel. Yes, two scribbles on a piece of paper is art, and it is stimulating your child's brain like nobody's business.

Sculpt. Create a three dimensional figure using only clay? What a wunderkind. No, dear, this thing here isn't called "a cylinder made out of Play Doh," it's called "pottery that allows your creativity to flourish without us even leaving the house, for the second day in a row."

Practice self-defense.

Physical activity creates new connections in the brain, and so does hand to hand combat. So stop telling on your brother for kicking the back of your seat, and go all Krav Maga on his butt.

Here's a YouTube tutorial you can watch on the iPad while I look at Pinterest on my computer.

Guessing games. I'm thinking of an animal that starts with G and has a long neck. What do you mean, "turtle?" What are they teaching you in that Montessori school anyway?

Geography. A cynic may just call this "Where did Mommy leave the car again?" but really it teaches map skills, geography, resilience and grit. Especially when you're walking around the parking lot for 25 minutes in the drizzle with a mother who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and you don't even have a snack bag of Goldfish.

Navy SEALS, here you come, son.

Thank me later.