A stubborn, difficult 2-year-old? That sounds about right.

Q: My son is about 2½ years old. I struggle with getting him to comply with directions – putting shoes on when it’s time to go, sitting still in his car seat long enough to get buckled in, sitting for meals, holding my hand in parking lots – everything. I do my best to explain what’s coming, give him a countdown, etc., and I try to use natural consequences (if you don’t sit at the table, you won’t get to eat dinner). Timeouts would be completely ineffective because I would need a straitjacket to keep him still. I feel like a pushover because, short of wrestling him and physically restraining him, there is not much I can do to enforce rules if there is no immediate natural consequence. (He doesn’t care if we’re late, or if I can’t move the car until he’s strapped in, or if he doesn’t eat dinner.) Suggestions, please?

A: According to the Center for Parenting Education, a typical child that age:

• Is in a difficult phase.

• Is rigid and inflexible.

• Has almost no patience; wants what he wants when he wants it.

• Cannot adapt, give in or wait a little while.

• Demands that everything be in its proper (to him) place.

• Requires routines be followed rigidly; does things in the same sequence, wears the same clothes, eats the same food.

• Is extremely domineering and demanding: he must give the orders, make the decisions.

• Is subject to violent emotions; there is little modulation of emotional expression (it is all intense).

• Is in an age of opposite extremes; he finds it almost impossible to make a choice and stick with it.

• Finds it nearly impossible to change gears, is highly persistent.

• Is vigorous, enthusiastic, energetic.

If this list doesn’t give you pause, it should. As I reread your letter about your son, I am hard-pressed to see a behavior that isn’t covered here. I know it doesn’t alleviate much of your frustration, but it should comfort you a bit to know that what you are experiencing is developmentally appropriate and you are not alone. Every almost-3-year-old is defiant. They just vary in their level of defiance.

From your note, it seems that you are trying all sorts of techniques: letting him know what’s coming, counting down and creating some consequences are standards in the old parenting toolbox, and they aren’t bad techniques. I’m a big fan of giving a child a heads up on upcoming events, and I’m going to suggest you keep that going. But you have found out the hard way that the other techniques are not going to work.

A 2-year-old is not interested in your perspective. So you need to shift your thinking from, “Why isn’t this working immediately” to, “I’m laying the groundwork for these discipline techniques to work later.”