How to help
The feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming when you have a friend affected by cancer. With your friend experiencing so many emotions and changes, it may be difficult to know exactly how to help, and they may not be able to communicate their needs. It is important to be aware of how your words and actions are perceived. The responsibility of maintaining your relationship might fall on you a little more now. You aren’t expected to know what to say, but your friend is counting on your support.
Responding to a hurting friend
“Thank you for having the courage to share that with me.” Affirmation after vulnerability reminds the revealer that their honesty was heard and valued.
Ask questions about feelings
“What do you feel is hardest for those around you to understand?” Validate and sympathize “Your feelings are totally valid. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.”
Offer a specific way you can help
“What’s the best way I can support you right now? I could pick up the kids from school, bring you dinner or pick up groceries.”
Best things to say:
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you are feeling or going through.” It’s ok to be that sincere – it will be refreshing to them. They know there isn’t much that can be said. Be truthful. They will appreciate how genuine you are.
“I love you.” The circumstances bring a lot of insecurities to all involved. Tell them loving things and continue to encourage them through the situation.
Worst things to do or say:
Those with cancer and their loved ones frequently talk about unintentionally cruel, insensitive or seemingly harsh comments that friends might say. Both the caregiver and the patient are fragile and vulnerable. Sometimes people think they are being supportive when they are not.
Don’t withdraw. “Ghosting” or ignoring a loved one during this time is not something your friend will overcome easily. No matter how uncomfortable you may feel, their journey is much tougher — and they need you to be responsive.
Don’t compare. Don’t tell them you know exactly how they feel — even if you’ve known someone who has had cancer or you’ve experienced it yourself. Everyone’s feelings are different and no one can truly know what someone else is going through. There are times for you to bond over similarities, but don’t always make it about you and something you’ve experienced.
Don’t treat them differently. Don’t stop telling them things about your life or joking around with them. They need normalcy and the relationship they have with you.