Misconceptions of grief

Myth: There are distinct stages of grief.

Fact: Grieving takes on new and unexpected forms over time. There are absolutely no stages. The stages people talk about are based on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book on death and dying, but she explained later in her life that everyone experiences grief in their unique way and that the “stages” were misinterpreted by society.

Myth: Grief ends because “time heals all wounds.”

Fact: In the beginning, your life may be all encompassed with sadness. Your normal day-to-day life has to be completely adjusted to this disruption of pain. After awhile you learn what makes your grieving worse and what can possibly make it lighter. However, in the trial-and-error of this process, what remains is the presence of grief in various forms. Ultimately, time changes how one deals with a devastating loss; it is not what heals the broken heart.

Myth: It is a linear process.

Fact: Grief comes in waves. Every single day is completely different. You learn to identify your triggers and remedies to manage those emotions. There are some days that will completely knock you out and others where you manage it better, but there is no start-to-finish component. There’s no timetable for this or anything in this process.

Myth: It’s best to never bring up the lost loved one to the griever.

Fact: You will never remind someone of their loss. It’s something that they carry every day. Often it’s refreshing for others to talk about their loved one. It keeps them alive and feels good to know that someone else was either impacted by them or wants to learn about them. Disclaimer: The helpfulness of this will vary depending on the timing, circumstance and dynamic you have with the person.

Myth: Everyone who has lost someone follows the same patterns and needs the same things.

Fact: When it comes to grieving there are different styles. Factors like upbringing, coping mechanisms and relationship with the lost loved one all contribute to how someone deals with the loss. The needs and desires of a griever vary from person to person. As long as it isn’t detrimental to your or the health of others (substance/any kind of abuse) there is no wrong way to grieve. There is simply your way.

Myth: You can control how sad you are.

Fact: All grief comes like an uncontrollable wave, sometimes totally engulfing, other times just a ripple and everything in between. You can do things and mentally frame things in a more productive way but there’s a direct body and mind correlation that you can’t always control.