Laugh Lines

Quickie

Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Relationship advice

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Laborious process

A woman in labor suddenly screams out, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Her husband looks alarmed.

The nurse says, “Don’t worry. Those are just contractions.”

Knit ’n’ drive

A cop is watching traffic when he sees a woman drive by while also knitting. He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up alongside her and yells, “Pull over!”

She yells back, “No, it’s a scarf.”

Wisecrack from David Brenner

A man was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, when a guy came over and asked, “Are you reading that?”

The man, taken back, simply said yes.

Then he stood up, turned the page and sat down again.

Key to a good marriage

An engaged man, just days from getting married, is talking to one of his married friends. “You and your wife seem happy,” he says. “What is your secret?”

The married man says, “You should share responsibilities and show love and respect for each other. Then there will be no problems.”

The single man says, “What do you mean?”

The

married man says, “In my house, I make decisions on bigger issues and my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”

Still not convinced, the single guy says, “Give me some examples.”

The married man says, “Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much money to save, what groceries to buy, when and where to go on vacation, which sofa or air conditioner or refrigerator to buy, how we take care of our monthly expenses, whether to pay for a maid — all that is decided by my wife. I agree to what she decides.”

The single man says, “That sounds like a lot of responsibility. Where do you come in?”

The married man says, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether U.S.-China trade agreements are fair, whether LeBron James should stay in Cleveland …

“And do you know my wife never objects to any of my decisions.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com: › The electronics company LG identified a new phenomenon called low-battery anxiety. People become nervous, distracted and frustrated when their phones are about to die. If you are not familiar with low-battery anxiety, it’s a real condition that primarily affects people with no actual problems. — James Corden

› According to a survey, a third of people will drop everything to go and charge their phone. Like what, is there a doctor in the middle of surgery and he’s like, “I need to split, guys, I’m at 5 percent. Ted, where you at, at 20? Cool, can you put a heart in this guy?” — James Corden

› The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. — Jimmy Fallon

› One of the winners of this year’s national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, “I’m just going to throw these baseball mitts away.” — Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.