Late Night Laughs

KEEPING UP WITH THE CANDIDATES

› In last night’s Democratic primaries in Oregon and Kentucky, Bernie Sanders won Oregon. No surprise there. If you look at it on a map, Oregon is pretty much as far left as you can get. — Stephen Colbert

› The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump and revealed that he has life-size portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don’t see them right away, it’s because they’re right behind a 25-foot-tall portrait of Donald Trump. — Jimmy Fallon

› Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so- called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account. — Seth Meyers

› Ed Rendell tried to help Hillary Clinton by attacking her opponent, saying, “Trump’s comments, like ‘You can’t be a 10 if you’re flat- chested,’ will come back to haunt him.” And then Rendell helpfully added, “There are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women. People take that stuff personally.” Yep, I have a feeling a lot of women are about to take that really personally. — Stephen Colbert

› Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump’s behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, “Yeah, and we’re loving this!” — Jimmy Fallon

› While at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, “If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life.” Then Trump looked at Christie and said, “Well, except be president.” — Jimmy Fallon

› It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex- convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, “That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.” — Jimmy Fallon

› There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair. — Jimmy Fallon

› Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was 6.” — Jimmy Fallon

› Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post — and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation. — Conan O’Brien

› Donald Trump is holding his first- ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. — Conan O’Brien

› Yesterday, a North Korean official turned down an offer by Donald Trump to visit the country and meet with Kim Jong Un, saying the offer is “propaganda” and “nonsense.” This doesn’t make Trump look good. You know you’re in trouble when the leader of North Korea is like, “I can’t associate myself with that guy.” — James Corden

› Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, “Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.” — Conan O’Brien