Laugh Lines

On second thought

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they decide that each man will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.

When they meet up again later, the priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They turn to the rabbi, who has arrived lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Pill popper

Did you hear about the guy who left his Ritalin in a Ford Fiesta?

It’s a Ford Focus now.

Brilliant deduction

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

“Horologically, I deduce that the time is Lisa Denton approximately a quarter past three.

“Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. “What does it tell you?” Holmes said, “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

› The Pokémon craze just seems to be getting bigger. In fact, I read that even members of Congress have been trying to catch Pokémon in the U.S. Capitol. Meanwhile, Pokémon were like, “Oh my God — I just caught a congressman at WORK!” — Jimmy Fallon

› The game Pokémon Go is actually making people visit remote, potentially dangerous areas. On the bright side, they finally found a way to get people to attend the Rio Olympics. — Conan O’Brien

› The mayor of Rio is pleading with Nintendo to release Pokémon Go in Brazil just in time for the Olympics. He’s even introduced Rio’s own Pokémon character, “Zikachu.” — Conan O’Brien

› The Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. has had to ask visitors to stop coming there to catch Pokémon characters because they say it’s inappropriate. The players said, “We’re so sorry, can you direct us to the Vietnam Memorial?” — Conan O’Brien

› A man in Oregon got stabbed while playing Pokémon Go and refused medical treatment in order to keep playing. He leaves a wife, two kids and six Squirtles. — Conan O’Brien

› The guy is going to be OK, but in California, a man playing Pokémon Go was stabbed. The man said, “It was terrifying. My lack of a life flashed before my eyes.” — Conan O’Brien

› Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, “Oh, you will.” — Conan O’Brien