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Laugh Lines
Password protected
Several correspondents have passed along this episode about the joys of coming up with a new computer password. It has been lightly edited to a PG rating.
Windows: Please enter your new password. User: cabbage Windows: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters. User: boiled cabbage Windows: Sorry, the password must contain one numerical character.
User: 1 boiled cabbage
Windows: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
User :50 freaking-boiled cabbages
Windows: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
User :50 FREAKING-boiled cabbages
Windows: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
User :50 Freaking-Boiled Cabbages Shoved Up Your Hiney-If You Don’ t Give Me Access Now!
Windows: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
User: Really Ticked Off 50 Freaking Boiled Cabbages Shoved-Up-Your-Hiney-If You D ont Give Me Access Now
Windows: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Love notes
One more pass at Valentine’s Day from Jimmy Kimmel at www. newsmax.com.
“Have you seen the White House Valentine’s Day cards? The se are cards like the ones kids give out in school, but each of these features a character from the Trump administration.
“We have Dr. Ben Carson: ‘Loving you isn’t brain surgery.’
“Kelly anne Conway :‘ My love for you is as real as the Bowling Green Massacre.’
“Steve Bannon: ‘Will you be mein?’
“Press Secretary Sean Spicer: ‘Help me fake my death, Valentine.’ That’s dark.
“Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr.: ‘Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.’
“Vice President Mike Pence: ‘This is a totally heterosexual Valentine’s card between a man and a woman.’
“Vlad Putin: ‘ Your love makes you weak.’
“First lady Melania Trump: ‘I almost love you enough to leave New York.’
“And finally President Trump: ‘ I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.’”
Everywhere a sign
A collection of actual posted signs.
Don’t die a virgin. Terrorists are up there waiting for you.
We’ll always be f riends because you know too much.
On a restaurant marquee: Either you love bacon or you’re wrong.
At a doughnut shop: Your name is NOT Calvin Klein. You are NOT an underwear model. If you want service here, PULL UP YOUR PANTS.
At an auto repair shop: Price list: PingPing- Ping, $ 35. Plunk-Ping-Plunk, $50. Klunk-Ping-Klunk, $125. Thud-Klunk-Thud, $200. Clank-Thud-Klank, $325.
Darn right I’m good in bed. I can stay there all day.
On a security gate’s “dog on premises” sign: Danger: The dog has a gun and refuses to take his medication.
Swimming Notice: Minnesota state l aw strictly prohibits underwater smoking.
Notice: This property is a farm. Farms have animals. Animals make funny sounds, smell bad and have sex outdoors. Unless you can tolerate noise, odors and outdoor sex, don’t buy property next to a farm!
The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a dirty mind.
We’ll be friends ‘til we’re old and senile … Then we’ll be new friends!
At a ski resort: Caution: Trees don’t move.
Warning: Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Dear Students: I know when you’re texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at t heir crotch and smiles. Sincerely, Your Teacher.
Interplanetary humor
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
And then God created Saturn … and he liked it. So he put a ring on it.
Did you know a day on Mercury lasts for 1,408 hours? Same as a Monday on Earth.
Did you know 200 pounds on Earth is only 74 pounds on Mars? I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What do you call the security outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Good women are found in every corner of the Earth. Unfortunately, Earth is round.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.