Current events

In Palm Springs, Calif., a Starbucks barista saved a customer’s life by giving him CPR. Isn’t that incredible? Apparently the customer had a heart attack when the barista spelled his name right. — Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis said that in his early 40s he attended weekly appointments with a Jewish therapist. The Pope went to a Jewish therapist. The Pope said he went to a Jewish therapist so he could better understand his boss. — Conan O’Brien

Professional children’s clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie, “It,” makes them look like murderers. That’s true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children’s clowns. — Conan O’Brien

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” — Jimmy Fallon

Delta Airlines just paid a woman $4,000 to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she’ll do with the money the woman said, “Buy Spirit Airlines.” — Jimmy Fallon

I read about a brother and sister in Michigan who reunited after 50 years apart. Unfortunately, it was on Tinder. — Jimmy Fallon

Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. However, Weiner insisted he’s still going to keep his [private parts] public. — Conan O’Brien

I read that Prince Charles may not live in Buckingham Palace when he becomes king. Then Queen Elizabeth said, “When he becomes king? I love your optimism, Chuckie.” — Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, “This is Monopoly money.” — Jimmy Fallon

Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1,000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months.” — Conan O’Brien