Laugh Lines Ghost hunting Late Night Laughs

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

Party etiquette

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

Quickies Q: What do you call wood when it’s scared?

A: Petrified.

Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?

A. Candy corneas.

Q: What do mummies listen to on Halloween?

A: Wrap music.

Q: Why do mummies have no friends?

A: They’re too wrapped up in themselves.

Q: Which plant is fondest of Halloween?

A: Bamboo!

Q: Why did the police officer ticket the ghost on Halloween?

Lisa Denton

A: It didn’t have a haunting license.

Q: What are a ghoul’s favorite rides at the fair?

A: The scary-go-round and the roller ghoster.

Q: Why don’t skeletons eat Halloween candy?

A: They don’t have the stomach for it.

Q: Where do vampires live?

A: Dead-end streets.

Q: Which ghoul is the best dancer?

A: The boogie man.

Q: Why do they put fences around graveyards?

A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

A: It lifts their spirits.

Q: What is Dracula’s favorite circus act?

A: He always goes for the juggler.

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A: A necktarine.

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A: For bat breath.

Q: What do you call a kind and considerate monster?

A: A complete failure.

› Went to see Bruce Springsteen last night on Broadway. And you’re not going to believe this, he was great. Turns out he’s really great. Bruce almost restored my faith in America last night. And then the president tweeted and it was gone again. — Jimmy Kimmel Live

› Have you seen these? This is a real thing, the dog parker, a place to park your dog. It was invented by a woman here in Brooklyn who describes herself as a dog mom. She said she wanted to go more places with her dog but wasn’t comfortable going into a shop to get coffee without locking her best friend in a miniature prison. The door is controlled by an app, you pay and the app opens the door, put your pet in and it locks, which is perfect if you want to steal a doghouse with a dog already in it.

A quick way to know you shouldn’t have a dog is if you think locking it in an easy bake oven while you get coffee is a good idea.