Laugh Lines

Sink, sank, sunk

Reader Lucy Raulston of Rossville has supplied most of today’s jokes, including this personal bit.

My family was visiting from out of town, and kids were everywhere checking things out. One of my 4-year-old nieces, after seeing my sunken bathtub, came running into the living room, anxiously telling her dad, “Daddy, Aunt Lucy’s bathtub fell through the floor!”

Wish list

It was a woman’s birthday. Her husband proudly gave her an awkwardly wrapped package. When she opened it, she was surprised to see a vacuum cleaner.

“A vacuum cleaner!” she huffed. “What kind of birthday gift is that?”

Her husband answered, “But, Honey, you’ve said how much you wanted one.”

She answered, “I wanted a load of manure for the yard too, but I didn’t want to see it under the Christmas tree.”

Mere girls

A second-grader came home from school with a bloody nose. His father asked him what happened.

“A girl beat me up at school.”

His daddy looked him in the eye and said, “You mean you let a mere girl beat you up?”

The boy hung his head a minute, then said, “Dad, girls just aren’t as mere as they used to be.”

Spell check

A football player was told that he wouldn’t be able to play in the big game that weekend because he was failing English. The coach pleaded with the teacher, using all the usual arguments about the player’s importance to the team and the team’s importance to the school.

The teacher weakened a bit and finally said, “I will give him one word to spell, and if he gets even one letter correct, I will pass him.”

The coach agreed. The boy was seated and carefully told by the teacher, “Spell ‘coffee.’”

The player squirmed a bit, then spelled ‘kauphy.’

Family matters

A man was living out West in a cabin, quite happily, when he received a letter from his aunt. She said she knew he was living alone and that she would be coming in a month to take care of him. He didn’t panic. She came in on the train, he met her at the station and they headed toward the cabin.

She asked if he had prepared anything for supper. He said he had made beef stew.

When they arrived, she noticed that he had tin plates nailed to the table. She wondered about this, but she didn’t say anything. After they finished eating, he went to the door and gave a loud whistle. The dogs came in and leaped up on the table, licking the plates clean.

His aunt was on the next train back home.

A few days later, the man was talking to a few of his buddies. “You know it took me a month to train those dogs and two months to stop them,” he said, “but it was worth it.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

› The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree was lit tonight! Also getting lit tonight — the HR rep over at the “Today” show. — Jimmy Fallon

› That’s the big story today. NBC has fired Matt Lauer from the “Today” show after he was accused of inappropriate sexual behavior. So if you were wondering “Where in the world is Matt Lauer?” — he’s probably at a bar with Charlie Rose. — Jimmy Fallon

› Longtime “Today” show anchor Matt Lauer was fired because he was caught engaging in sexually inappropriate behavior. Afterwards, Lauer said, “Maybe having all those people looking through the windows wasn’t such a great idea after all.” — Conan O’Brien

› Matt Lauer got a public message of support from Geraldo Rivera. In response, Lauer said, “My God, now I’ve really hit rock bottom.” — Conan O’Brien

› And on top of all this, 75-year-old Garrison Keillor, the guy from “A Prairie Home Companion,” was fired today from Minnesota Public Radio. Can you imagine being fired from Minnesota Public Radio? It’s like having your library card revoked. — Jimmy Kimmel

› According to the chairman of NBC News, (Matt) Lauer was fired due to “inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.” Not to be confused with “appropriate” sexual behavior in the workplace. Because that does not exist. — Stephen Colbert

› Donald Trump weighed in on the Lauer story, tweeting, “Wow.” Wait a minute. Wow? I’m still not used to a president typing the word “Wow.” That’s like if the first draft of the Gettysburg address was “Holy guacamole, this war sucks. Wow.” — Stephen Colbert

› Another big story is that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle. And it was announced that they’ll marry at Windsor Castle this May. Right now, every bride is asking, “Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?!” — Jimmy Fallon

› Genealogy experts say that Prince Harry and his fiancée Meghan Markle are actually distant cousins. After hearing they were related, Queen Elizabeth finally gave the couple her blessing. — Conan O’Brien

Lisa Denton