Laugh Lines

Dire straits

An Irishman goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says, “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

The Irishman says, “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks, “What do you have?”

The Irishman says, “Fifty cents!”

Quickly to Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy replies: “In the car.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

Dog walker

Mr. Murphy walks his dog through the village every day. One day, Mr. Murphy is on his walk without the dog.

His pal Mr. O’Connor sees him and asks, “Where is your dog?”

Mr. Murphy answers, “I had to have him put down.”

“Was he mad?” asks Mr. O’Connor.

“He wasn’t too pleased,” says Mr. Murphy.

Guessing game

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

Death defying

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his own obituary. In a panic, he phones his friend and asks, “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”

The friend Lisa Denton replies, “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

Two shots

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.

The bartender asks, “Would it be better for you if I put all three shots in one glass?”

The Irishman replies, “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The bartender asks, “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“Oh, no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

Sick day

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said, “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

Some Republicans are really angry about a joke at [the] Oscars made about Mike Pence. My advice to those Republicans: Don’t watch the Tonys. — Conan O’Brien

There was some drama at a party after the Oscars. Frances McDormand, who won Best Actress for her role in “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” briefly had her Oscar stolen, but the thief was stopped by Wolfgang Puck’s photographer. And the weirdest part of this story is that Wolfgang Puck has a photographer. — James Corden

Of 24 awards, women won only six. What happened? Did the women blow all their lady points on the first female Colonel Sanders this year? I mean, it’s a milestone, but still. — Stephen Colbert

Snapchat is laying off 100 employees. A spokesperson for the company said, “It’s weird, it’s like they were here a second ago and they just disap- peared.” — Conan O’Brien

The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 per- cent. — Conan O’Brien

In honor of International Women’s Day, McDonald’s is flipping its golden arches to resemble a W instead of an M. And we can’t even show you what they did over at Hooters. — Seth Meyers