Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

More anes­the­sia

Things you don’t want to hear dur­ing surgery › Oops! › Has any­one seen my watch?

› That was some party last night. I can’t re­mem­ber when I’ve been that drunk.

› Dang! Page 47 of the man­ual is miss­ing!

› OK, now take a pic­ture from this an­gle. This is truly a freak of na­ture.

› Bet­ter save that. We’ll need it for the au­topsy.

› Come back with that! Bad dog!

› Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

› Hand me that … uh … that uh … thingie …

› If I can just re­mem­ber how they did this on “ER.”

› Dang, there go the lights again.

› You know, there’s big money in kid­neys, and this guy’s got two of ’em.

› Every­body stand back! I lost my con­tact lens!

› Could you stop that thing from beat­ing; it’s throw­ing my con­cen­tra­tion off.

› I wish I hadn’t for­got­ten my glasses.

› Well folks, this will be an ex­per­i­ment for all of us.

› Ster­ile, shmer­ile. The floor’s clean, right?

› What do you mean, he’s not in­sured?

› This pa­tient has al­ready had some kids, am I cor­rect?

› Nurse, did this pa­tient sign the or­gan dona­tion card?

› Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.

› What do you mean you want a di­vorce?!

› I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

› Hey, Char­lie, un­zip the bag on that one, he’s still mov­ing.

› Of course I’ve per­formed this op­er­a­tion be­fore, Nurse!

› FIRE! FIRE! Ev­ery­one get out!

Cur­rent events

› A small town in Mis­souri re­cently launched a news­pa­per called The Ex­am­iner. The mayor is up­set about this and to un­der­stand why, you need to know that the town is called — I prom­ise this is real — Uranus. So the news­pa­per that they launched is The Uranus Ex­am­iner. — James Cor­den

› Now, the mayor wants the name changed. She thinks it opens up the town to ridicule. Though it’s hard to com­mand any re­spect when your of­fi­cial ti­tle is “Mayor of Uranus.” — James Cor­den

› Yes­ter­day a spokesper­son for “Sesame Street” said that Bert and Ernie do not, I re­peat, do not have a sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion. A spokesper­son then added, “But Big Bird is re­ally into Asian chicks.” — Co­nan O’Brien

› While cov­er­ing the Em­mys … The New York Times con­fused ac­tress An­gela Bas­sett with for­mer White House ad­viser Omarosa. Mak­ing mat­ters worse, to­day the Times ex­tended a heart­felt apol­ogy to Ser­ena Wil­liams. — Co­nan O’Brien

› A restau­rant owner in Maine is test­ing out what she be­lieves to be a more hu­mane way of killing the lob­sters they serve. What they do is they get the lob­sters high on mar­i­juana smoke be­fore they cook them. For real. How the lob­sters hold the joint with their claw I don’t know. But I would bet $100 she came up with this idea while she was smok­ing in a Jacuzzi. — Jimmy Kim­mel

› I heard that Meghan Markle is com­ing out with a cook­book. Since she’s a royal, the cook­book just says: “Step 1: Sit and wait for food.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

› Over the past week, gi­ant plas­tic-wrapped bun­dles of mar­i­juana have been mys­te­ri­ously wash­ing ashore along the coast of Florida. And peo­ple have been spot­ted fight­ing over them. Pres­i­dent Trump im­me­di­ately con­grat­u­lated the lo­cals, say­ing, “Hey, at least you got some nice weed out of the deal.” — James Cor­den

› It hap­pened along the coast of Florida. Or as they’re call­ing it now, the Great Bar­rier Reefer. This story gives new mean­ing to the term “sea­weed.” I mean, talk about “high tide.” — James Cor­den

Lisa Den­ton

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