Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Source: www. news­max. com

› Fol­low­ing an ac­cu­sa­tion of sex­ual as­sault, Supreme Court Jus­tice nom­i­nee Brett Ka­vanaugh vis­ited the White House to­day for the se­cond day in a row. It’s the first time an ac­cused sex­ual as­saulter has got­ten into the White House with­out the Elec­toral Col­lege. — Seth Mey­ers

› Pres­i­dent Trump ad­vised the Span­ish govern­ment to build a wall to block out mi­grants. Trump told Spain, “Trust me, the last thing you want com­ing into your coun­try is a bunch of Span­ish-speak­ing peo­ple.” — Co­nan O’Brien

› Trump was at an event cel­e­brat­ing His­panic her­itage. And this is nice — he even brought along Jeff Ses­sions to be the piñata. — Jimmy Fal­lon

› Hur­ri­cane Florence has stopped dump­ing rain but rivers are ris­ing, power’s out in a lot of places, floods are threat­en­ing res­i­dents in the Caroli­nas. The pres­i­dent, though, is on top of the sit­u­a­tion. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24- pack of those big pa­per tow­els and he flew straight to the scene. — Jimmy Kim­mel

› Be­fore he did that, he tweeted this mes­sage of thanks to all those work­ing to lessen the im­pact of this mon­ster of a storm. “I just want to thank all of the in­cred­i­ble men and women who have done such a great job in help­ing with Florence. This is a tough hur­ri­cane. One of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the stand­point of wa­ter.” That’s right — even his wa­ter is “the wettest.” — Jimmy Kim­mel ›

To­day Pres­i­dent Trump met with the vic­tims of Hur­ri­cane Florence. The vic­tims said, “This is the worst thing that’s ever hap­pened to us.” Then they talked about the hur­ri­cane. — Co­nan O’Brien

› Trump spent to­day tour­ing the Caroli­nas. At one point, he stopped to ask a res­i­dent about a large boat that had washed ashore next to his house. Ac­cord­ing to re­ports, Trump asked the man, “Is this your boat?” When the home­owner said “No,” Trump ac­tu­ally replied — this is true — “At least you got a nice boat out of the deal.” — James Cor­den

› This week Pres­i­dent Trump or­dered the Jus­tice De­part­ment to de­clas­sify se­cret doc­u­ments re­lated to the in­ves­ti­ga­tion of Rus­sian med­dling in our elec­tion, de­spite the in­tel­li­gence com­mu­nity voic­ing their op­po­si­tion to the move be­cause it po­ten­tially jeop­ar­dizes the se­cu­rity of Amer­i­can in­tel­li­gence as­sets. But he’s the pres­i­dent, and I would cer­tainly hope he’d have a good rea­son — but I would cer­tainly be wrong. Be­cause when he was asked what was in the doc­u­ments, he said, “I have not re­viewed them.” Yeah, that takes too long. It’s like the Ap­ple user agree­ment. You just scroll to the bot­tom and click “Trea­son.” — Stephen Col­bert

› Trump also ad­dressed the con­spir­acy the­ory that his ad­min­is­tra­tion is be­ing op­posed in­side the govern­ment by the so- called “Deep State.” But Trump doesn’t like that phrase. “I don’t like to use it be­cause it sounds so con­spir­a­to­rial, and be­lieve it or not, I’m re­ally not a con­spir­a­to­rial per­son.” I won­der who spread the ru­mor that he was con­spir­a­to­rial? Must be the same peo­ple who faked Obama’s birth cer­tifi­cate, stole all those peo­ple from Trump’s in­au­gu­ra­tion crowd and helped Ted Cruz’s fa­ther kill JFK. — Stephen Col­bert

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