Laugh Lines

Pill pusher

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room and came back with three bottles of pills.

The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Gee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?”

The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Never forget

An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. He said, “Hey, you’re the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago.”

He kicked the turtle as hard as he could. The turtle flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river.

The giraffe, standing nearby, said, “Wow, you’ve got quite a memory.”

The elephant said, “I have turtle recall.”

Size matters

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Who’s your friend?”

The man says, “This is Tiny.”

The bartender says, “Why do you call him Tiny?”

The man says, “Because he’s my newt.”

Right to it

A man walks into a restaurant and begins perusing the long menu.

Finally the waiter approaches and says, “What can I bring you?”

The man says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”

The water says, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re going to die.”

On the house

A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”

The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this,” the man replies.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, “You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which con- stitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender, now ticked off, says to the guy, “OK, you beat me for this one. But don’t ever come back here again!”

A few days later, the same man walks into the bar

The bartender says, “What do you think you’re doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The man says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double.”

To which the man replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

Current events

Starbucks yesterday announced plans to build 10,000 eco-friendly stores by 2025, which means America will have to add more street corners. — Seth Meyers

Here’s a fun statistic. They did a study. The germiest place at the airport, the place with the highest levels of virus bacteria, are those plastic security tubs at the TSA. Which is kind of surprising. I mean, who would have ever guessed that the tubs where a million sweaty travelers throw their shoes every day would be full of germs? — Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new report, some upscale hotels are now offering cannabis-infused room service items to maximize relaxation for guests. Or you could just go to any Days Inn and huff the drapes. — Seth Meyers

Thousands of bugs have been stolen from the Philadelphia Insectarium. Thieves made off with more than 7,000 bugs, including millipedes, rhinoceros roaches, lizards, frogs, snakes, and venomous spiders valued at more than $ 40,000. I get why people steal, but what’s the plan after a theft like this? Unless you live in an ant farm, you walk around the street going, “Wanna buy some bugs?” — Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a tweet on the subject, a warning. “If you see this six- eyed sand spider that is highly venomous, let the Philadelphia Insectarium know.” Trust me, I’ll let them know. I see that freaking thing? I’ll let everybody know if I see it, probably with a loud and very girlish scream. — Jimmy Kimmel

In other shocking food news, according to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Truly, yes. Researchers say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you. Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose. — James Corden

I heard about a college student in Canada who emailed everyone at his school named Nicole, Nicky, Nicolette and Nik trying to find the woman he met at a bar. Meanwhile the actual woman was like, “Phew! Thank God I gave him a fake name!” — Jimmy Fallon

Recently passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform and fell asleep in a first- class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog. — James Corden

Lisa Denton